Wanderlust

Acai Berry - Half Month Point

2009-09-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is a little late in coming, but perhaps that in indicative of how exciting the results have been! To the half month point, which was a little while ago, I can't say there were any significant change in energy, health, or body size. As I indicated before, I'm not using a weigh scale, but if I had lost any weight, I am almost certian this would be the result of the colon clensing and not any loss of fat.

I have recently performed an in depth, analytical surface review of the effects. After a lot of self therapy following that tramatic experience, I can report no significant visual changes. Also, my pants seem to fit the same as they did at the beginning of the month.

So - so far - Acai Berry - not a magic fruit so far... but we'll see after a full month before I start experimenting with other forms of Acai (like the juice).

On another note, I am enjoying the tea. It has a lovely fruity taste and is available for about $12 at Shoppers Drug Mart. One bag for a pot of tea seems to be adequate!

Acai Berry Report - Week 2

2009-09-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

So, another week has passed on the Acai Berry crap and the Colon Cleanser. I can't say I've had any noticable increase in energy and since I stay away from scales for self-preservation reasons I can't say I've lost any weight. I don't feel any worse for wear and so I'll continue to the end of the trial.

If I was using a scale and did have a decrease, then I'm almost positive it would be from the colon cleanser... I continue to "clense" regularly and when they report on riding yourself of the build up of sludge, I can honestly say that is what it seems like... Not to be entirely gross, but the departing matter could be accurately described as sludge... Maybe this is a good thing and will have some sort of impact on my overall internal operating system! We'll see.

So far, I am personally still feeling okay. I did have a "down" day last week - when I felt kinda low - but it was a long week and I was tired. It could be nothing more then that...

So that is the end of week 2... nothing to exciting to report yet. :-)

First Few Days with Acai

2009-09-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

So after a weak start, I remembered to take my Acai Berry stuff along with the Colon Cleanser each evening. I think I'm actually supposed to take one pill of each in the morning and one at night, but I've been doubling up when I remember at night.

So I can't report that I've gone down 2 dress sizes in 3 days. Of course I avoid wearing dresses, so maybe I have. And I haven't experienced any increase in energy, although it was the first week of school...

But I can conclusively report that my colon is getting clensed!

BTW, I'm attempting to send this from my blackberry, so if this works, perhaps it has increased my technological accumine.

Oh hey, blackberry... Acai berry... Hmmmm...

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the MTS High Speed Mobility Network

Acai Berry Day 1

2009-09-01T20:25:00.001-07:00

As September 1 is my articially appointed start to my Acai Berry adventure, I promptly forgot all about it until mid-morning as I was working through payroll reconciliations. Now, why payroll reconciliations would remind me of my little adventure is beyond me. Perhaps I thought it would be significantly more exciting... hmm...

Now, please understand, today was also the first day of school. So perhaps I could pleed that the additional stress involved in getting them up and out the door caused me to forget. However, as my husband actually has primary responsibility for that task, I really have no plausible excuse.

So I took them tonight and will see what happens.

I can tell you that, since I decided to take the pills, I thought I should at least check out the alternatives to the "free" sample that would cost about $150 a bottle per 1 month supply after the inital "free" one. Well, at the local health food store (and this is in Kenora, so there is only one), there is a reasonable selection of Acai Berry stuff, including pills that have the same Acai berry content. This bottle costs about $50 for a 3 month supply. Hmm.. They also have Acai Berry Tea and Acai Berry juice. I purchased all of them for further experimentation. This should be fun. I'm hoping it's not explosive though! I did have a very interesting experience with a bucket of strawberries once. Did you know that strawberries are a natural laxitive? Well, now you do!

Stay tuned. We'll see what happens tonight. If I die from Acai Berry pills, please note that my parents have a copy of my will...

The Journey of a 1000 miles begins with one really stupid step

2009-08-30T20:51:00.001-07:00

Why Take this Journey at all?

That is a very good question. The decision to try out Acai Berry crap started scientifically enough (ha ha)... It was August the 8th. I was feeling, well, PMS-ish. In other words, achy, crampy, bloated and not in a good mood... Overall, just feeling gross and unattractive. I was on my computer and saw the add - follow one simple rule and life will be nervana... Okay, perhaps it was a little more subtle then that - but the message was there. Do this one thing and you will have more energy, feel more healthy, lose weight, and, as a result, be more confident, gain friends, influence people and have a mane of glorious hair... Okay, I may be exagerating just a bit (but really only a bit). Regardless, it was magic in a pill and, if you order in the next 2 minutes, you can try it for free - only 3.95 for shipping and handling.

Well, you can imagine my glee... and yet, even in my weakened emotional state I was skeptical. So I googled Acai Berry. There were many reports on the benefits of the Acai Berry and it was on the top ten foods just before blueberries... so this must be good. I hastily pulled out my credit card and ordered the free Acai Berry and accompanying Colon Clenser...

It took less then five minutes for buyers remorse to set in. What had I done? A seemingly intelligent person, I had just fed my credit card number into an unsecured, unknown site... Was I completely insane? Or just an idiot? Perhaps both.

Then started the daily vigil of my credit card account on line. I checked regularly for any mysterious charges... Fortunately, I just paid for two trips, so the card is, essetially maxed, but after several days there were two charges from the company... not 3.95 as they advertised, but 7.95 each. My scam detector was now in full alert. I was sure that there was no bottle of Acai Berry crap on its way and that I was heading into a long and arduous battle against fraud.

However, within a week, one of the bottles did arrive. The invoice inside the package indicated that I was charged 3.95, but not Canadian dollars - British pounds. Hmm... I went back and checked the site. Canadian flags everywhere but no mention of the currency the 3.95 was in...

As I was becoming more and more leary, I googled the company name and found several reports to consumer groups on people doing the same idiotic thing I did and then being charged hundreds of dollars after the 15 day trial period while the company sent more and more product... I immediately searched for the cancellation number.

Finding it, I dialed - it rang... and rang... and rang... crap! Next call - to my credit card company. Admiting my foolishness, I pleaded for someway to halt all further charges. Unfortunately, they informed me, unless I made an effort to contact the company, they would be unable to do anything. Apparantely calling the provided phone number isn't enough unless someone actually answers. Sigh!

As I spent the next couple days, reading various consumer complaints, a very sick feeling settling in my stomach... I finally found an email address and sent them a notice that I wished to cancel. I hope that would be sufficent effort for my credit card company to cancel any additional charges...

The email came back...

I consider registered mail...

It was then that I thought to look up the country code for the UK in the phone book. The number I had started 044, but apparantly you must dial 011 first from Canada. I hestitated. What if this is one of those things where they keep you on hold forever and a day and you get a million dollars charged to your phone bill. I decided it was worth the risk and set my timer. If I was on hold for more the thirty seconds, I was hanging up.

Fortunately, I actually spoke to someone right away. They took my order number, found the order number of the bottle that hadn't arrived and assured me that no further product or charges would be coming. That was on August 21st and, to date, there have been no further charges... though I still check daily and I'm seriously considering cancelling my card and having a new number issued.

Shortly after that, the second bottle arrived. So now, here I am, with two bottles of stuff and not sure whether I should just toss them or what...

So I do some more on-line research. I learn what to look for on the lables. There is apparantly some independent sites that do indicate some benefit, though warn of the 15 day trial period scam and recommend cancelling right away...

So, now that I have the stuff - do I try it, or chuck it out? That question weighed on my mind for the past week, when I decided, what the heck - I'll give it a shot and see what's up... I figure, maybe I can live up to my Dad's old adage that no one is completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example... perhaps that will be my purpose here. Who knows.

Acai Berry Crap

2009-08-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I've decided to resurrect my old blog that I haven't posted on since 2007 to document my journey into the wonderful world of Acai Berry crap...

For those of you who might stumble accross this and don't know me, I'm not built like a greek godess... but I did seem to meet with the approval of the Zambian ladies I met in Africa 6 years ago. I have always been large and after years of struggle and self-doubt, I have come to the conclusion that I always will be... Some of you may have read a series of previous posts where I wrote on my struggle with self-identity, being fat. I think I've come to the conclusion that I am pretty amazing, even though I am a larger girl. I wish that I'd figured this out 20 years ago, but alas, some things just take a lot of time to learn.

So why am I taking this journey. Good question. I ask myself the same thing. If I am so self actualised, why the need to try some internet endorsed crap? Why not just live life? Well, I don't know. That is puzzling to me as well. I worry that I will resort back to the person who struggled to find value in herself because of a lack of physical beauty. I hope that doesn't happen.

I suppose the best answer is, I'm curious. And so, I'm going to check this out and blogging is my self check - to try, somehow, to keep myself from tunnelling into depression.

When do I start this journey? Well, in some respects, it began a few weeks ago. I will blog on my journey to date in the near future... It's taken several weeks to decide to do this, and now that I have, I will begin trying various Acai crap on Tuesday, Sept 1, just because!

Wow, It's been awhile

2007-10-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I guess the whole facebook thing has taken my attention away from blogging... but you don't really have a forum for long winded diatribes on facebook so here I am back at blogger!

This week I have one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life. I got to do some recording at an amature studio, but a studio nonetheless. It was a blast, sitting in a little room with only a voice in the head phones to talk to, running through my music for over 2 hours... I was on a high for the rest of the day. It reminded me of how much I really enjoyed being part of a musical team, learning songs, practising songs, etc. Just singing is like total fun. I am so looking forward to heaven for that. As I tell Eric, the book says we'll be singing... there is no mention of preaching...

We spent today at the hospital. Liam has been complaining of stomache pains for the past while. This morning he did and then he puked all over my bed... so he stayed in bed for the morning. Then, when he wasn't getting any better this afternoon and started moaning, I took him into emerg. After 5 hours, he had bloodwork done, completed a mean game of eye-spy and the doctor concluded there was nothing wrong with him. They gave him some gravol and after he hadn't puked for half an hour they sent us home - where he promptly started puking again! So now he is resting at home and I hope he is okay.

For Hallowe'en we decided to build an armless man on a chair on the front deck. So we filled plastic shopping bags with leaves to use as stuffing a week ago. Now the pile of bags is sitting on my doorstep since we haven't gotten back to building the man... I am wondering when the neighbours are going to ask us to get rid of the pile of garbage.

So those are the highlights of the week... except - the Riders won... okay, now those are the highlights of the week!

It's 2 AM

2007-06-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... sort of sounds like a song title...

And, actually, it is 1:54 AM.

This week we will be heading out on our vacation extravaganza! We will be driving west toward Victoria, with stops in Regina and Moose Jaw to stay with family and friends, and somewhere in the Rockies to sleep (depending on how far we get)... We plan to have almost a week with the Bailey side of the family, with a few side trips to hopefully see whales and goats who live on a roof?

Then we head down to California to Film Camp for Haaken and a week of sight seeing and fun for the rest of us - the rest of us being Eric, myself, Greg and Liam... We have been checking out info on different sites to see. This evening we found an interesting website writen by an individual who seems to have no affiliation with a tour company giving his (or her I guess) opinion on various tours... so I think we will try to get in a Warner Brothers tour (as it was the highest rated on this persons site) as well as some time at Disney. Greg is also going to touch base with a friend of his down there. All in all, we hope it is a fun and relaxing time.

After a week there, we will head back accros country towards Kenora. We hope to see the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone National Park, and a Dinosaur museum in N.Dakota.

I must be too excited to sleep!

Roller-coaster Ride

2007-04-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

Normally I love roller-coasters...

But the last few weeks have felt like a long roller-coaster ride. First, we rushed out to Estevan to have a few last moments with Grampa Cecil. That was a rewarding, but emotional experience. We are so glad we went - and it was a pleasure to sing with him one more time.

The following weekend, we found out that our very best, dear friends were going through their own roller-coaster with false accusations, marital stress, and other life changing anxieties. Since we live 500 km away, this was particularly difficult as we wanted to be there to hug them, to sit with them, and just be there for them. Fortunately, we have an awesome church family who did all that for us, and things appear to be turning around.

Then, this past week, we heard of Grampa Cecil's passing. Another trip, not as rushed, to Estevan to be with family and remember Grampa. It is amazing to think of the impact he had on so many lives - from Canada to India - even up to his last years... To have lived such a life...

And now, with another weekend coming up, I'm ready to get off the ride and sit on the sidelines for a few days... catch my breath...

Giving with Gratitude

2007-04-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

I realized last week that, for the past few years of Eric's Ministry in Thunder Bay, I had stopped being grateful and joyful in our giving. I felt like a critical part of the church and felt purpose in what we were doing, but resentment had begun to creep in. In my mind, the ledger of what we were giving - time, energy, ideas, money, etc. - for outweighed any benefit. In my more pride-filled moments I even thought, "What would the church here do without us."

Since coming to Kenora, we have become a part of a church that is quite large. We are just starting to find our place. Recently, I was asked to sing in the choir for Easter - and I felt grateful for the opportunity to serve.

Last week, though, I worshiped with family at the church in Estevan. Several people were missing so Eric and his father were asked to fill in. It felt odd not to be asked - and it reminded me how grateful I was for the freedom to serve through leading music and for being a member of the leadership team when we were in Thunder Bay. I really struck me how, in an effort to serve more, I can become ungrateful for the opportunity to serve - to give... a gratitude that I once felt.

I can allow "church" or even "God" to be another chore in my life and forget that it is I who is the benefactor.

One of my good friends is the opposite of this. She also happens to be really good at inviting people to church. She sees being a part of a church and being in relationship with God as a huge benefit. When someone is going through a hard time, she tells them - they need to be at her church. I think that when I have considered inviting others to church, I have thought about how the church would benefit from another member.

How completely backwards is that?

But it is probably indicative of the lack of gratefulness that as crept into my consciousness. If I felt more gratitude over being part of a loving and caring group of believers - and at the love God has for me - perhaps I would want to share that with others. On top of that, I have to overcome a miss placed sense of self-importance, because in the final tally:

A. I can never even approach what God has given me - or done for me through His church, and
B. God doesn't even need me to do his will.

And maybe that is one reason why He has led us to Kenora and out of active church Ministry - to give me an attitude check.

Or perhaps that is only part of his package for us for the next few years.

My Top 10 Songs Tonight

2007-03-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

This will change by tomorrow - but I love these songs tonight...

In no particular order - well, actually in order of my finding them on my itunes...

I will follow you into the Dark - Death Cab by Cutie
Strong Enough - Sheryl Crow
Goodbye my Lover - James Blunt
Honesty - Tom Lips
If I was Jesus - Toby Keith
Love of my Life - Queen
Throw me a Rope - KT Tunstall
Beth - Kiss
Yummy - Gwen Stefani
If You Could Read my Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
Blind - The Grapes of Wrath

Okay - that is 11... but that is a better number then 10 anyway.

By the way, if you win the CBC contest where Mark Messier comes to your house, you have to invite me... please please pretty please!!!!

Another Glimpse?

2007-03-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

We have been blessed with three boys - two through birth - Haaken & Liam, and one who came to live with us when he was 15 - Greg. I love them all and hope the best for them.

I know each of them have weaknesses, but they all have so much potential. I want them to be successful and happy in life. I want them to have positive relationships with others and especially to find that special relationship with a woman who will help them through life (but not until they are 30). I want them to find that thing in life that will give them purpose and meaning. I want them to love God and to see them in Heaven.

In short - I feel about all of them the same way I am sure most parents feel about their children.

However, the reality of life is that not everyone else feels the same way about my kids as I do. Not everyone treats them like I feel they should be treated. Sometimes people make assumptions about who they are - what their potential is - or what their value is - in a way that is less then what I expect.

Sometimes people do or say things that hurt them - and that hurts me - greatly!

And it is very difficult to be friendly to others when they have hurt one of my kids. It is hard to treat people with respect when they see my kids in less of a light then I see them - or when someone treats one of them not as well as another. Because - not only to I love them - but they are a reflection of me and my choices for them.

I think that is also a natural reaction for most parents.

When I really think about all of that - it kind of starts to make sense that God has trouble when we show partiality for or discrimination against some his children - His creation. Whereas my love and my view of my children is imperfect (I lose my temper and patience and make many mistakes) - His is perfect. He sees the potential in each of us and loves us - including those of us who might be considered obnoxious, difficult to live with, dirty, smelly, etc.. People I might tend to look down upon; people I might tend to hold up: They are all God's kids.

He loves us all. equally. period.

Wives' Duties (I couldn't resist)

2007-03-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

New Web Site for Songs

2007-03-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I am trying out a website to post songs as I record them on Garageband.

If you check out the following link, you should be able to hear my first attempt.

http://web.mac.com/ericabailey

We'll see how this goes.

Tired...

2007-03-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Well, after week of traveling back and forth between Kenora and Toronto, I feel tired.

The first trip was exhausting. Both directions were delayed for several hours (like 4 or 5) much of which was spent cramped into a small airline seat, sitting on the tarmac. Ug! The second trip was much better. We were on time the entire way and I splurged on valet parking with a car wash, vacuum and shampoo - so when I got back my car didn't smell like sour milk and orange juice anymore. That was nice.

But now I am just tired. I know there is a pile of paperwork at the office I need to deal with - and there is a pile of disorganization at my own house that I don't want to deal with - and a pile parenting that needs to be done to encourage my kids to pick up their garbage, do their school work, actually go to school, etc... It just seems that, after being away for a week, every aspect of my life is falling apart.

But I feel too tired today to do any of it. And I feel very alone in all of it. Or perhaps overwhelmed.

Good-bye - You Strange Man!

2007-02-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

This weekend my Uncle Wilf - "that strange man" passed away.

Uncle Wilf was always a jokster - but the joke was on him when he tried to talk to me when I was a little girl (of about 5)... He tried to greet me but I wasn't having any of that. When he asked me why I wouldn't say Hi to my Uncle Wilf, my reply was, "My mom told me never to talk to strange men!"... He never let me for get it!

So, tomorrow, friends and family will gather to say good-bye. My heart wants to be there to say good-bye too! But I have decided that an 8 hour overnight there and back trip is just too much on our family - all of us just barely recovering from colds and flus, etc. - so we'll say our good-byes from here.

Uncle Wilf, besides having a healthy sense of humour - was a Rider Fan. There really isn't much higher praise then that. I can recall him leaving church "at the bell" (or perhaps before?) to get to the Rider game on time. I suppose as long as he stayed for communion, we was all right with God! He had so many great stories about games he went to, plays he saw - and it was good to discuss the current team and how this year was going to be the year (it never was).

I haven't been in touch with him much since we moved out to Ontario. So, I guess, if anything, I should have made the effort before so I could actually say good-bye to him in person more often. I suppose there are many of such regrets in life - and we try to do better - but that is little comfort when the opportunity has passed.

Best wishes Uncle Wilf or See you later! - say hi to all the other Rider fans up in heaven and ask the angels to give them a good year. I am sure you have great seats on the 55 - and never let anyone else call you a strange man!

I Love you!

To Buy!

2007-02-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

Update - we purchased a 2006 Kia Sedona... Eric plans to post pictures.

As a result our last trip to TBay was much roomier... so it is finished.

In other late-breaking news, we are planning a road trip this summer from here to Victoria. There we will visit Bailey family. Then down the coast to LA (with the obligatory stops at Mount St. Helen and Golden Gate Bridge). We will spend a bit of time in the Anaheim area (probably 2 weeks), including a visit to Disneyland. We are also considering a week of Digital film camp for Haaken. He is very into film making these days and we thought he might enjoy going to camp in "Hollywood" (actually Universal Studios in Anaheim - but close enough).

Then we we head back accross country toward home.

We are debating on trying to find a portion of remaining Route 66 to drive on - or to follow the Mapquest advised interstate route. I also want to stop at a few Laura Ingels sites along the way, just to see them.

Any must sees that you can recommend?

To Buy or Not To Buy - THAT is the question!

2007-02-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

We have been considering an automobile purchase for the past several months...

Eric is planning on attending university in Winnipeg next year and the rest of us will be in Kenora - so we will need somewhat to get him to and from, without leaving the rest of us stranded.

So, we looked at small cars to save on gas and fulfill Eric's need for the smallest possible piece of tin to drive around. (I am sure there is some sort of psychological rationale for this - but perhaps it is just his Scottish roots coming out). We checked out the Smart Car and perused the Autotrader on line for Firefly-like vehicles.

Then we thought about the growing family - now at 5 - and Haaken and Liam are getting bigger by the day. It is becoming more and more challenging to have a peaceful 5 hour drive to/from Thunder Bay - not to mention going on a summer trip... so perhaps something larger, leaving the 626 for Eric to drive (sniff - that is suppose to be my mid-life crisis car...)

We started looking at hybrid SUVs... then quickly realized that the cost far outweighs the gas advantages - and fuel efficiency disappears on the highway. So we switched to small SUVs with 7 passenger options - such as the Rav4 and Santa Fe. These seem to be reasonable options and the aren't, groan, mini-vans! But they also lack and reasonable luggage space if you actually use the 7 passenger option...

Now we are looking at a Kia Sedona - one of only 4 highly regarded mini-vans by the Lemonade guide - and with one of the roomiest interiors and best safety ratings around... but, still, its a mini-van - a mom and pop and the kids mini-van. I just don't know if I want to go there. It is so - uncool!

But - how can we even consider buying with Eric going to school in the fall and currently being on one income (mine)... what other options are there.

Well there is the bus going back and forth between Kenora and Winnipeg AND we could rent a mini-van when we need it (thereby not selling out to the mini-van consortium)... That would reduce Eric's driving time at night, and give us a newer vehicle whenever we rent one.

So, what do we do... well really, what do I do to make this decision easier? I do what any reasonable red-blooded accountant would do - a cost analysis!

Over the next 5 years, if we rent a mini-van once a month for a weekend, plus a full month in the summer, and if Eric takes the bus to and from school, our total additional costs will be $29,000.

If we buy a prior year model car at 0% financing, and factor in the additional gas for traveling back and forth, additional insurance and maintenance - we are looking at a cash outflow over the next 5 years of $39,000.

But, we have to consider that, in the process, we are actually purchasing an asset...

So if, instead of cash outflow, we use depreciation in the second evaluation, we come to $35,000.

(Note: all the above options are fully supported by an Excel Workbook)

However, I am left with the difficulty of factoring in the financial cost of getting up at 1 AM to pick up Eric from the bus depot over the next 3 years... Is that worth $6,000? Or what about the freedom of not having another vehicle to maintain... or the freedom of having a second vehicle on those days when Eric and I are going in separate directions?

It seems that a simple financial analysis just doesn't do the trick.

I think we are going to resort to flipping a coin.

Heads?

Rockies

2007-01-31T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hello:

Majestic Greatness...
Begging me to touch their peaks - If only with the lense of my camera
But a roll and a half of film leave me unsatisfied... wanting
Oh to roll in them, blend into the rock, wedge into a crevice, become the mountain
To be one!

Good-bye:

And as I leave, my heart cries
Departing as from a long time lover or friend
The foothills and prairies before me, yet
Around each corner - another rock, crevice, peak
Bid me farewell....

And I diminish with each passing step.

Just call me the Handyman Special...

2007-01-23T19:41:00.001-08:00

Fixer-uper, Handyman Special, For Sale for Parts, Mechanic's dream...

These are all terms I avoid, neh, run away from when looking at houses or cars or pretty much any big purchase.

One time we purchased a car at an auction for about $400. It ran for us for about 4 months... then it got to the point that we no longer wanted to deal with it. When compared to the monthly depreciation cost of our current car, we got a deal. But I don't think I would ever get that kind of car again! I just want to have a car that runs as it is supposed to - and a house that keeps us warm and dry - without a lot of work...

However, during a recent sermon, I realized that I am a fixer-uper, and handyman special, mechanic's dream.

God knows all about my failings. He knows that I am unreliable. I will fail over and over again - but he keeps putting me up on the blocks, looks under my hood, or gets out the hammer, saw, wiring, plumbing, and fixed me up.

More then that - he is into restoration. I know a person who loves to take old cars and restore them to their original condition... and a couple who takes old homes and totally rebuilds them to their original, or their perception of what the original condition should have been. They are made like new.

That is me. God makes me like new... and keeps on making me like new over and over again.

And, as a result, instead of being discarded onto the rust heap, or boarded up, with a big "condemned sign", I can run, I can be inhabited, I can be used and become relied upon (someday)...

And, just to push the analogy a bit further...

Perhaps I'm not even a fixer up - perhaps all I'm good for is salvage material or spare parts...

Well I know that God can take the decent parts I have, make them even better, test them, refine them - and then fit them into his bigger and better car, house, etc. Maybe that is what he does with all of us. We become part of his bigger plan. He strips away the rust, mold, garbage, etc., takes what is good and makes it better and incorporates it into what is his.

Anyway, all those thoughts pretty much kept me busy for the rest of the sermon - so I don't really know what it was about!

Ruth - I really like her!

2007-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

I read Ruth last night (you know - book of the old testement)...

I have always like Ruth. I think I know why. Where as other stories about women - especially women who "get the guy" seem to focus on their insurpassible beauty, with a side note to other characteristics.

What do we know about Ruth - she was from Moab, she was previously married, but childless - a widow. We can surmise that she was likely not of "marrying age" for that generation, but probably not all that old... but we can't really be sure of much about her - except that she was known for her kindness.

While she may have been, she isn't portrayed as the radiant beauty who turns heads when she enters a room. Rather, she is a good and kind person. It seems to be repeated throughout the book.

I'm not sure if I have a point - other then I think I like the story so much because it reassures me that there is value in kindness - value that can even be recognized by a good man - beyond the exterior.

That doesn't seem to be a message we get a lot today.

Buttons (flare?) we got in our stocking

2007-01-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

It's been lovely, but now I have to scream (I think of Lavine when I read that one)

Oh. I'm sorry. You must be confusing me for the maid we don't have.

Brilliantly disguised as a caring and productive co-worker.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise a cat.

Mary to Joseph, "You forgot to make reservations?!?!"

I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.

I don't believe in miracles - I depend on them.

Why do I have to have children? I didn't do anything wrong!

Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens

Not all who wander are lost - JRR Tolkien

Now we need just 3 more pieces to make the bare minimum flare!

What is this crazy thing called love?

2007-01-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

Sooo - what is love? Why do we love? Do we love?

We think if we find "the one" we will fall in love and be forever in love with that person. Does this ever really happen?

Have you ever found that person you think is absolutely "the one" but they don't return the sentiment? Do you love them forever? or do you just get over it and move on? I think the later - or at least that had been my experience through my teen years.

And, hard as it may be to believe, I have even experienced someone who claimed to love me - and did a lot of really nice things for me, but none of that "won me over"... I assume they moved on in life - they got married and seem to be happy.

So was that love - or infatuation?

I know that I love my children. Sometimes they make me angry or just plain mad. Sometimes I need to have a break from them - so I can regroup and do a better job. But I never stop loving them. Or at least, I never completely lose my desire to look out for their best interests, ensure their needs are met, and give of myself for them. There is always a part of me that thinks they are the most beautiful creatures ever created - and even though I am honest about their imperfections - I still think they are perfectly made. I believe that is love. Why do I love them? I don't feel that way about all the people in my life that need me. I know they will never compensate me financially, emotionally, or otherwise for all that I've put into them thus far, and will continue to for the rest of my life...

I love my family and friends - although I'm not 100% sure that they all love me. I suppose I see myself as pretty unlovable sometimes - and that is my own fault. But, I do want to give to them of myself, my time, my energy, my resources. I want to make sure they are taken care of. I don't always have the personal energy to pull through and see that they get what they need - but I still want them to have it. Is that love?

So what about "romantic love"? It is love to always be willing to give of yourself, even though you might not get it back in return? Do we need a reciprocal giving and taking of love in this type of relationship in order for love to survive? It wouldn't seem to be the case in the examples cited above... but is this love different? Or is it that we confuse love with infatuation?

I've been observing older couples lately - seeing how they are there for eachother - to clean up their messes, to be available for conversation (or at least the occasional "hmmm" or "you're right dear"), to ensure needs are met, to be around to call the medics if something happens, to make coffee in the morning, to live with - even when the other is taken by physical or mental illness. I think that is love. It isn't exciting. It doesn't make your heart ache or your pulse race... but it seems to me that is love.

It seems to be a decision to keep on giving, even when knowing the other person is unable or unwilling to give back.

Maybe all the other stuff - flowers, gifts, acts of kindness - are a part of that... but maybe they aren't. Maybe they are just the icing on the cake. Maybe they are part of infatuation. Or, as some books say, they are a mode for communicating love.

So, I'm not really sure about much, yet, but I am starting to believe that love has a lot more to do with me, and a lot less to do with the other person. Maybe that is ultimately what we are really saying with "I do"...

Perhaps we should say, "even if you don't fulfill all or even some of my fantasies, if I have to spend my life working to ensure your life is sustained, if I never get any of the things I want - I will still choose to be with you - to give to you - and to do it with joy"... But that would be nuts. Who would ever sign up for that? Is that what we sign up for when we get married? I'm sure I didn't really believe that when I said the words - but isn't that what "for worse" or "for poorer" means?

Anyway, enough thoughts for today on love. It is a mystery. Perhaps, further along, I'll understand.

Random Thoughts

2007-01-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

We have been in Thunder Bay, visiting family and friends this week... It has been a good, relaxing week and we have been enjoying catching up with people here, and test driving a few vehicles as we being our period of research into whether or not we need to purchase a new car/van/SUV... The 626 only took us 2 years to research and make a decision on...

As Kristian came up to me, reached his arms upward and I picked him up, I wondered - why does the love of a baby or child provoke such feelings in us. They can't do anything for us. They can't give us anything. They can't make our lives easier - in fact they are very demanding, dependent and seem to take, take, take. And yet they provoke such a love in us. Perhaps all my marriage courses on love = what you get from the other person are mistaken? (Don't tell Eric...)

We tried something new this week. The boys were fighting over what we were going to do. I tried to explain that we had a lot of time... so we came up with a plan. We wrote down a list of all the things we would like to do (or in some cases - need to do) this week. As we have had a chance to do things, we have stroked the item off the list. Today is our last full day - and my youngest had to make a decision - tobogganing, or accepting an invite to a friends' house... I am hoping that, when we review the list and see everything we have done it will help them not focus on how "bad" the week was because of one thing they didn't get done - we'll see. I may have outsmarted myself on this one.

I purchased my long awaited camera this week. It is still in the box, as I have been feeling guilty over the extravagance of the purchase... Yesterday, I found the same package I purchased on line for $25 less - so today, I am making a trip to FutureShop to test their lowest price guarantee...

So - those are some random thoughts from this week.

Happy New Year!

Stranded

2006-12-31T23:49:00.000-08:00

After a long trip, which included a mad dash to the ferry - which we thought we might miss due to it being "full" - checking weather reports every few hours and driving through the night to Regina... We got stranded 45 km from home.

We left Winnipeg in a "flurry". Apparently this flurry included rain in Northern Ontario, because, as we neared the border we met an RCMP blockade. We were able to get a little further on a side road, but an OPP was at the border and we could go no further... and we couldn't go back as the road was now closed in both directions. So we were stuck at a weigh scale at the border, 45 km from Keewatin - no bathroom - no warm bed - no proper food (okay we made do with leftover Christmas baking - but that gets tired when you really want a proper meal)... and that is when we discovered something is wrong with our car heater.

Car heaters normally heat up the car when either driving or at rest. We discovered that, while the car will heat up when we are driving, it will only blow out cold air when we are stopped. So - picture this - while all the other cars at the blockade powered up every once in a while, we had to make a little race track through the cars and semi trailers to warm up. We got some pretty crazy looks.

This morning, on one of our "warm up" sessions, we also discovered that there are concrete barriers in unexpected places through out the area. Our car was hung up on one of them, until a few good men came and basically lifted it off.

Sometime after that, I lost it. I mean I really did. I like to think that I stay calm in difficult or crisis situations - but I was tired, I needed a shower, I was hungry for real food and there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe it was feeling hopeless that did me in - but I totally bawled.

Then, a voice of reason - coming from the seat behind me - said, "Mom, get control of yourself"

I suppose he could have told me to breathe, or count to 10 (which is what we often say to him) - but I had to eat my own words... It was humbling!

So - in the end, the west bound highway opened up. We returned to a nearby town for breakfast. Only toast and coffee was on the menu due to the majority of the employees being stuck by the closure - but it was the best toast and coffee EVER! Then, by the time we returned, the east bound lane was opening up and we made our way back home - to a hot shower, a warm bed and a well needed rest!

Happy New Year!

Money, Garbage, cause and effect (or affect?)

2006-12-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

I caught myself the other day being effected by money...

Garbage collection, here in Kenora, is a bit different. You pay for tags so that your garbage will get picked up. It works out to about $2 per bag. However, the recycle people will pick up your recyclables (if they are sorted) for free!

Now, I would like to think that I recycle for moral/ethical reasons - it is the right thing to do, less wasteful, better for the environment, etc., etc. But there are certain things I don't do - like if I don't find a recycle bin right away, I just throw things in the garbage. If something is dirty and I would have to wash it before putting it in the recycling, I just throw it in the garbage... In other words, I recycle so long as it is convenient to me.

But when I learned how garbage worked in Kenora, I started thinking about how we could reduce the number of garbage bags by recycling more... thus using fewer of our $2 garbage bag tickets...

I guess my actions are effected by money afterall.

BTW E and I discussed the use of effect vs affect in this blog posting. I am sure that R will correct us, leading into a huge discussion on the use of english grammar - but DON'T LET THAT PULL YOU AWAY from the real, life changing issues at hand - which are money... and garbage... and reading my blog...

It's Been A While!

2006-11-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, Black Mamba, there is a Santa Clau.... er... well, there is an ekbailey blog!

For those who haven't heard - I am in Kenora... I have accepted a position with the Kenora Catholic DSB... E and the boys (all three) are here now.

H and L are in school and seem to be doing well.

E is trying to get the house in order - however he is being slowed down by a sports injury. You can likely read about it in his blog in much more graphic detail, but to summarize - he blew his knee while catching the winning touch-down of the championship game. I guess it doesn't get much better then that.

G has decided to wait on school until second semester, which ends up being really good for us becuase he has been a huge help around the house, carrying, lifting, walking the boys to the bus or school, showing me how to down load missed episodes of Grey's Anatomy - you know - the important things!

So that is an update for today. I am sorry it isn't very juicy - but life isn't always juicy - you know!?!?

I Got Flowers!

2006-10-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today was my last Executive and Board of Directors meeting at my current job. As a farewell, they gave me a big beautiful bunch of flowers. How nice! I was truly touched by the gesture. They are beautiful and I love the fall colours!

It is kind of cool how seemingly little things can mean so much. Isn't that interesting? Why is that? And why is it that the little things can get under our skin so much.

It seems like we can take the big things head on, but the little things get to us...

And sometimes, big gestures don't have any more mileage then something as simple as flowers.

Interesting...

What is a blog?

2006-09-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

I wonder... what will happen to all this in the future.

I mean, as we look at our past, we find scrolls, manuscripts, documents, pictures that tell us about the culture and people of a certain time.

A thousand years from now, will these documents exist? Will future archeologists be able to look back on our thoughts, our worries, our plans - or will this electronic media be lost?

And, if it isn't - what will they think of us?

Today... I am sinking

2006-09-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we decided upon a Finance Officer... In the process our Executive of Trustees seemed to come together to a common purpose and plan. It was exciting to see agreement and working together.

Yesterday, I felt really good about our move to Kenora - like I was doing the right thing for my family.

Also - I felt it was good for the place I work - to be able to make some changes and move on to a financially healthier place where jobs wouldn't be so tenuous...

and for our church to make some changes and be able to stand on their own and decide to make it work. I really thought everything was good.

But that was yesterday...

Today I was told that I have basically been letting down everyone around me for the past year, that I am leaving a mess and that I am not providing the support to fix it.

Today, I was told that recent decisions that I was a part of, were wrong and that I wasn't owning up to my mistakes, even though I was only part of a group making those decisions - and they aren't necessarily mistakes.

Today, I was bawled out by someone I care about alot.

Today, information I shared hurt another person I care about alot.

Today, I went home at lunch - walking without a coat in the rain, because I really needed to get away - and I needed a hug - but nobody was home so I went to my room and cried.

Today, I felt like I have let everyone down and I am just making one mistake after another. That I am failure and have been for some time - that I don't know what I am doing - and maybe that is true.

Today I feel like I have been left behind, ignored and forgotten by others I thought cared about me in the past.

Today, I am really struggling to keep up the boundaries between what is truly my problem and what are the outward expressions of frusteration that manifest themselves in accusations and false blame.

Today, I am having a hard time not dragging up past hurts and failures and letting them pull me down.

Today, I am stuggling to be positive about who I am.

Today, I am sinking...

... but a friend has invited me for pizza and that helps!

Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.

Tomorrow will be better.

Where does Kenora come from?

2006-09-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

I learned something new recently. Kenora is actually three towns: Keewatin, Norman and Rat Lake. The name comes from the first two letters of each name... I thought that there was Kenora and a seperate town, Keewatin... but I was wrong!

So there!

I'm going for a ride...

2006-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

And I'm never comin' back... or at least not for 5 years or more.

Well, maybe for holidays and weekends!

So, we are moving to Kenora. My last day at work is October 13th (Friday the 13th - ominous, no?) I will taking the Superintendent of Finance position with the Kenora Catholic DSB. Eric and the boys will be following, hopefully soon!

We found a house in Keewatin (a western part of Kenora) to rent and we have picked out schools for our kids! The fact that we are actually moving is just starting to sink in - we have to change our address, pack our stuff, find a doctor in Kenora...

Leave our friends...

What am I thinking?

But, I am looking forward to the new position, the new board... only having one board to worry about...

So, we are moving.

Wonder Woman!

2006-09-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

No, Wonder Woman didn't make the top 100 most powerful women... and it is a shame.

Wonder Woman was my hero as a child. I remember having a babysitter who would let me stay up late to watch her on TV. My husband has started getting me the collection of DVDs with the series. I really like them - even though they are now a bit corny and have really poor special effects!

She is an amazing figure - strong, smart, beautiful, caring, etc... (ya, she also has an amazing figure!)

I still have a bit of hero-worship for her. She seems so strong (mentally, and spiritually as well as physically) and doesn't really need anyone to help her, but she still gets help from others and has friendships and relationships with others.

To WonderWoman!!!

100 Most Powerful Women

2006-09-03T15:19:00.000-07:00

The Forbes list of the world's 100 most powerful women recently. I was encouraged to look through them and see so many women from countries other then the US. One of the most striking things was that there were many women who are Presidents/Prime Ministers/Chancellors of their respective countries. This topic has become a bit of debate as some of us eagerly anticipate the change in Presidency for our neighbours to the south... Of course, we stand in pride over the fact that we have, in fact, had a female leader - for less then a year - but we've done it nonetheless. However, the US seems no closer to breaking this barrier. We wonder if Hilary has the momentum to do this - to break through the Whitehouse glass ceiling.

I also wonder - is this such a big deal around the world? Do we, in North America, make more of an issue of gender differences then other countries like China, Bangladesh, Germany, South Korea, Finland, Britian, all of whom have had female leaders. Are we more "backward" in this respect - or have we created leadership positions that don't allow women to aspire to them? Or are we lacking in female leadership? Or are our women smart enough to figure out that they will be more successful and happy by leading companies and organizations rather then countries?

Do we, in Canada, have any women in politics who might actually aspire to the Prime Minister position? If not - then why?

Thinking Positively

2006-08-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

My counselor has me being proactive about being positive as homework. Every day I am supposed to think about 3 things about myself that are positive. Some mornings I can't come up with 3, so I borrow from the day before.

This is what I have come up with so far:
- I am a good aunt to Kristian
- I am a good sister to Erin
- I have good hair
- I am a good provider
- I have a strong, sturdy body

The idea being to be positive about who I am, so that negative thoughts don't have such a big impact on me - don't become so all incompassing on my life...

In other news, my friend, Miriam, and I are trying desperately to get Oprah tickets. She is a huge fan, and I would be interested in going as well! So far, the best I've done is a busy signal!

Loving a Larger Woman

2006-08-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished a Jennifer Weiner book "Good in Bed" about a larger woman whose ex-boyfriend starts a column called Good in Bed, which stars their relationship. She goes through significant life issues in the book and, in the end, comes to a place of self acceptance. As a final resolution, she writes a column in response. This section hit so many hotspots for me and I found it very helpful in working through my own issues of self worth - so I thought I would share it. This is lengthy, so sit back with a cup of coffee or a cool drink and get comfortable.

From "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner, pp 363-366 [my comments added in]

When I was five I learned to read. Books were a miracle to me-white pages, black ink, and new worlds and different friends in each one. To this day, I relish the feeling of cracking a binding for the first time, the anticipation of where I'll go and whom I'll meet inside. [totally relate - I loved books as a child, they were my escape, still are]

When I was eight I learned to ride a bike. And this, too, opened my eyes to a new world that I could explore on my own-the brook that bubbled through a vacant lot two streets over, the ice-cream store that sold homemade cones for a dollar, the orchard that bordered a golf course and that smelled tangy, like cider, from the apples that rolled to the ground in the fall. [I loved being able to go anywhere on my bike.]

When I was twelve I learned that I was fat. My father told me, pointing at the insides of my thighs and the undersides of my arms with the handle of his tennis racquet. We'd been playing, I remember, and I was flushed and sweaty, glowing with the joy of movement. You'll need to watch that, he told me, poking me with the handle so that the extra flesh jiggled. Men don't like fat women. [not my father, but several other influencial people in my life told me this countless times - it stuck... it still sticks]

And even though this would turn out not to be absolutely true-there would be men who would love me, and there would be people who'd respect me-I carried his words into my adulthood like a prophecy, viewing the world through the prism of my body, and my father's prediction. [I still carry these words with me]

I learned how to diet-and, of course, how to cheat on diets. I learned how to feel miserable and ashamed, how to cringe away from mirrors and men's glances, how to tense myself for the insults that I always thought were coming: the Girl Scout troop leader who'd offer me carrot sticks while the other girls got milk and cookies; the well-meaning teacher who'd ask if I'd thought about aerobics. I learned a dozen tricks for making myself invisible-how to keep a towel wrapped around my midsection at the beach (but never swim), how to fade to the back row of any group photograph (and never smile), how to dress in shades of gray, black, and brown, how to avoid seeing my own reflection in windows or in mirrors, how to think of myself exclusively as a body-more than that, as a body that had fallen short of the mark, that had become something horrifying, unlovely, unlovable. [yep]

There were a thousand words that could have described me-smart, funny, kind, generous. But the word I picked-the word that I believed the world had picked for me-was fat. [I still see myself this way, even though I have succeeded in so many ways, I see myself as the fat girl - the one who isn't worth it, who isn't loveable]

When I was twenty-two I went out into the world in a suit of invisible armor, fully expecting to be shot at, but determined that I wouldn't get shot down. I got a wonderful job, and eventually fell in love with a man I thought would love me for the rest of my life. He didn't. And then-by accident-I got pregnant. And when my daughter was born almost two months too soon I learned that there are worse things than not liking your thighs or your butt. There are more terrifying things than trying on bathing suites in front of three-way department-store mirrors. There is the fear of watching your child struggling for breaths, in the center of a glass crib where you can't touch her. There is the terror of imagining a future where she won't be healthy or strong.

And, ultimately, I learned, there is comfort. Comfort in reaching out to the people who love you, comfort in asking for help, and in realizing , finally, that I am valued, treasured, loved, even if I am never going to be smaller then a size sixteen, even if my story doesn't have the Hollywood-perfect happy ending where I lose sixty pounds and Prince Charming decides that he loves me after all.
The truth is this-I'm all right the way I am. I was all right, all along. I will never be thin, but I will be happy. I will love myself, and my body, for what it can do-because it is strong enough to lift, to walk, to ride a bicycle up a hill, to embrace the people I love and hold them fully, and to nurture a new life. I will love myself because I am sturdy. Because I did not-will not-break. [okay, I'm not there yet, but I hope to be! someday! Imagine - feeling valued, treasured, loved, for who you are... what that must be like. I can understand others seeing the value I can add to their life, what I can do for them - but I wonder how much I would be liked if I lost those things.]

I will savor the taste of my food and I will savor my life, and if Prince Charming never shows up-or, worse yet, if he drives by, casts a cool and appraising glace at me, and tells me I've got a beautiful face and have I ever considered Optifast?-I will make my peace with that. [actually - I will tell him to do something rude - and realize that he is not really Prince Charming - because Prince Charming won't be so shallow as to judge me by my body... then again, how can I expect anything different when I judge myself by my body. Why should anyone else value, treasure and love me when I don't value, treasure and love myself - when all I see is the fat girl?]

And most importantly, I will love my daughter whether she's big or little. I will tell her that she's beautiful. I will teach her to swim and read and ride a bike. And I will tell her that whether she's a size eight or a size eighteen, that she can be happy, and strong, and secure that she will find friends, and success, and even love. I will whisper in her ear when she's sleeping. I will say, Our lives - your life - will be extraordinary. [this is something I commit to do for my children.]

That is the end of the segment. If you found this at all helpful, I would recommend finding the book and reading it. I found it to be a helpful journey for me.

I love music!

2006-07-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed music... And most of the time, there is a song or two (or more) in my head...

I have been known to just break out into the middle of a song. Unbeknownst to those around me, I had been singing the entire song from the beginning in my head... it is just that sometimes it slips out of my head.

I was asked recently if I ever considered a career in music. Well, truthfully, yes - but not very seriously. It just seems like one of those careers that takes so much more then just a good voice... and I don't think I have the other attributes necessary.

However, I must say that I am so glad to be a part of a church where I can use my love for music and singing to the best that I can. Recently, I have had an even greater love in and interest for new material, new songs. I think that could be related to the fact that I have been using my music more.

In highschool I was a part of several musical groups, resulting in my practising almost every day... and I loved it.

Once in awhile I wonder if I missed my calling. I don't think so, but I still wonder.

And I say, "Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing. Thanks for all the joy they're bringing. Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty, what would life be without a song for the dance what are we? So I say, "Thank you for the music, for giving it to me." (ABBA)

What is God's Will?

2006-07-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

And, why don't I know it?

Recent events have proved that I am totally unaware of God's will. I truly believed that a few things were going to happen - new career opportunity, a financial recovery, a growing church - and none of these seem to be happenning. I am totally clueless? Is God even listening? Does he care?

It is painful to put yourself out there for people and have them slam a door in your face. It is even more painful when you feel like you've put yourself out there for God, and it feels like he has slamed the door in your face, traping your fingers in the door jam!

My faith says that I am simply out of touch with what God's will is - that I need to spend more time with Him and pay attention to where he is working... but I feel like I have been ignored. I feel hurt.

That is where I am at today! Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Getting Healthy - Revisited

2006-06-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

I reviewed some of my earlier blogs and re-lived my efforts of a year ago (and prior to that) to continue on a path to health. In looking over the past year, I realize that I was probably on a good path in late 2004, early 2005... then in focusing on the scale, I started really cutting back again and stressing over what those numbers said. I lost focus on what I was really going for - being healthy.

Last summer I crashed, I just couldn't do it anymore. I hit a big low and my doctor prescribed anti-depression medication. I couldn't "make" myself do anything... I was in a really bad place.

I was referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic, where I started this January. The focus of this group is health - in a wholistic way - emotional, spiritual as well as physical. I have found it to be extremely helpful! I have also had the opportunity to deal with some personal and emotional baggage that I have been carrying around - and just let it go!

In some ways I feel like I am starting all over again. I haven't stepped on a scale in almost a year, but I am sure I am as heavy as I have ever been. On the other hand, I am emotionally a lot more healthy then I was a year ago. I have a lot more acceptance for myself and a more realistic outlook for where I can go with my health.

I appreciate the prayers and encouragement many of you (friends and family) have given me. I really couldn't do it without you!

Throw Me A Rope

2006-06-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am falling in love with KT Tunstall (Black Horse & Cherry Tree) Here is one that I am particularly liking today:

KT Tunstall
Throw Me A Rope

I want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you,
but everything here's telling me i should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?

i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world,
it seems to me, that i'm definately, hearing the best that i've heard,.

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone.

and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water,
i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do,
oh but i got to be, unconditionally,
unafraid, of my days, without you,

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
'cos everything easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me,
come back and find me,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone

Being a Sick Wienie!

2006-06-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am a sick wienie... I have the stomache flu - and when I am sick, I turn into this whinny, needy, wimp. All I want is someone to wait on me hand and foot, rub my feet and back and brush my hair. It is completely irrational, which sort of bugs me. When people have to leave to go to work, I just feel so alone.

And I have watched "Jersey Girl" twice today... that just says it all, doesn't it?

Daytime television really sucks!

And I feel bad about missing work - there are things to do and I should be there!

The other day my son said he would like to have a mom who is home all the time. That kind of thing sticks with you... I used to start feeling really guilty about that but lately I have really started liking my work. I feel like I am actually accomplishing something - actually having an effect and improving things. So maybe it is okay that I am not the kind of mom who stays at home.

One thought I have had is that I am still young - I could have another family at, say, 40 if Eric and I wanted - and then maybe I could be a different type of mom... but I also want to travel the world, so maybe this is my family experience. And, I am hoping to embark on a new phase of my career. That is okay, isn't it? I'm starting to think so.

Well - those are my random and unconnected thoughts as I sit at home with the stomach flu!

Are we Connected?

2006-06-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a feeling like you were close to someone for a moment, even though you are geographically far away? There are various people in my life, whom I have really connected with... Now that they are away, I occassionally have a sudden urge to call them or find out what is up. I feel close to them - almost like I know they are thinking of me too - or they are in trouble - or are in emotional difficulty.

Once I sat up in bed and told my husband to call my sister and tell her to get up. As it happens, if she didn't get up at that moment she would have been late for her flight.

My grandfather-in-law tells of a time when he was half way accross the world from his daughter. She went in to labour and was having trouble. She called out for her daddy - and he woke up and said his baby needed him...

I'm not sure what to make of stuff like that - is it just a coincidence? Or are we connected to others in a non-physical way. Why do we feel close to some people and not others? What makes us connected if we are?

People I have lost touch with, or haven't though of in a very long time, suddenly come to mind vividly - are these connections or just memories?

Or am I crazy?

40 Years of NWPCofC

2006-05-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

This weekend was our church's celebration of having a building in Thunder Bay for 40 years. The weekend was a good one - and even though I thought this was an opportunity for those who have been here for much longer to see old friends, I had the opportunity to reconnect with a few folks who we haven't seen in awhile.

Celebrating the past while looking to the future! It is something the Isrealites did after 40 years of wilderness and just before going into the promised land.

So, are we facing our "promised land"? Are we ready to cross the Jordan, walk around the walls of Jerico, blow our trumpets and take the land? Are we ready to take a leap of faith and follow God into battle?

We are here because we felt called to be here. We were and continue to be sure that God has a purpose for us here - that there is a plan for us here - a plan to prosper - not to harm! Well, I hope that is the plan... Sometimes I wonder - have we helped? or have we done harm? What is ahead?

Perhaps, like Mimlaps talk this morning - we don't know what lies ahead, but we can be confident in knowing that God walks with us and looks over us!

To Pee or not to Pee...

2006-05-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from Upsala on Wednesday. As I entered town, I had a need to visit the ladies room... However, since I was just about home and didn't want to waste any time, I held on (I was going to say pressed on, but the word "held" seems so much more appropriate). However, in order to make it home, I had to gas up the vehicle, drop it off at the rental place, pick up my car and get home... I wonder what the person at the gas station thought as I stood there, pumping gas with my legs crossed, rocking back and forth. I am sure to have caused quite a laughed as I penguin waddled from the rental car on the west side of Enterprize to my own car on the east side...

In the end, I ran in to the house, slamming the door into Eric's back, dropping everything, including keys and articles of clothing, as I ran down the stairs to the washroom. That was quite a reunion home. I'm sure I made an impression on my family.

I think I'll stop to pee next time!

Feeling Better

2006-05-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I woke up this morning tired, but that heavy, sad feeling is gone. It is a mysterious thing... I've had it before - it just comes with no apparant reason, and then it is gone, just as mysteriously. That just may be life. There is a part of me that doesn't want to accept that - that wants to analyze and figure it out. But, when I do that I seem to get in deeper. So, maybe just having a down day is the way to go? I'll have to try that again next time and see if it is an effective way to deal with it.

On another note: I hate that sound... that sound somewhere between a clunk and a ting, that comes from the bottem of my car as my heal hits an empty can that has been roaming the car floor since who knows when. It grinds on my nerves, it is makes my teeth ache, it makes me angry... so I picked it up and threw it out. How many times have I just left it there to annoy me again?

I don't know what to write

2006-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should write - I haven't in awhile - but I'm not sure what to say. Should I tell you all that I am feeling sad today? I don't know why - I just am - like a heavy weight is on my heart and I want to cry but can't...

Perhaps it is just residual from my trip to Ottawa. I had a good trip - and the last day was good, but also emotional. We heard from a speaker who talked about his adventureous trips to both poles and to each contenent's highest peak. It was inspirational, but also reminded me of my own desire for adventure...

And on the second leg of my flight, the seatbelt didn't fit so I had to ask for an extention - which then led me to a self arguement on whether or not I really am doing the right thing in trying to get healthy... Of course, upon return, there always seems to be a bit of a down - back to normal, back to everyday, back to the mess and work that await me, back to the problems I have yet to deal with.

But these are all normal things... Things I deal with quite adequately most of the time - so why do I feel so down? I try to talk myself out of it, but all I really want to do is go to bed and sleep my life away.

Maybe today is just a down day... Tomorrow should be better!

Extreme Makeover Made me a Better Person?!?!

2006-04-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Just me on my soap box on another message from society. I was watching extreme makeover on three sisters who had major plastic surgery so they would look better. Of course, this type of show appeals to the side of me that would love for someone to wave their magic wand (or in this case scapel) and make me gorgeous in the eyes of society.

However, as I was watching and listening to the responses, the comment about becoming a better person struck me. How, in the world, do you become a "better person" by becoming more physically attractive? I thought becoming a better person meant learning, being more giving or generous, becoming nicer, less judgemental, etc., etc.

But that message is loud and clear in our society - if you are "prettier" then you will be a better person, have a better life, gain friends and influence people. Unfortunately part of that is true. There are stats to show that many parts of our society judge based on appearance - and reward accordingly. However, overall, can our lives be automatically better with a little plastic surgery?

I think not! If we want a more fulfilling, exciting or adventurous life - we can do that by choosing activities and goals that fit with that. If we want to be more outdoorsy - then start going camping, hiking, etc. If you want to see new places, meet interesting people, and learn about the world - then travel, put yourself out there, read or do research... But our commercial world would tell us that the answer to many of these lifestyles in found in the latest diet or plastic surgery. I wonder how these people feel months or years later, when they have reverted back to their old life patterns and find that their life is no more exciting or fulfilling then it was before the surgery?

Now, to put this in balance - I do see a place for healthier eatting & exercize as part of a plan to a better life - and I can see a place for appearance altering surgery as part of an overall healing process (especially in abuse cases)... But these are not "thee answer" that I think is being pushed on us - or atleast I feel has been pushed on me.

So that is my soapbox for today.

Breaking the Binge Cycle - Good Day

2006-04-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

So, the following is the same day, with different choices... (Ya - it is a little "Mr. Rogers", but bear with me - I am working through a process)

Wake Up: Feelings: looking forward to spending the day with my friends, seeing my friend choose a wedding dress and hanging out. I realize that the dresses in the shops are usually not in my size, but my plan is to try as many different styles as I can so I can figure out what I will feel the best in - both for comfort and what I feel looks good.

Breakfast: Going out with the girls - I think about what I really feel like eating this morning and order it. I take time to enjoy the taste, texture, and sight of the meal, plus the enjoyment of visiting with my friends. I participate in the conversation. I probably stop eating before I finish the entire meal so I ask for a carryout.

Dress Shopping: There is only one dress in my size. I try it on and think about what I like about it and what I don't. I "hold up" a few others in sizes that are close enough in size to see if there are attributes about them that I would like or that would suit me. I notice that the others are doing the same thing and that we all have different body types. I enjoy watching my friend try on wedding dresses and discussing the wedding and wedding colours.

Snack: I planned ahead and brought an apple and few pieces of cheese. I eat them in the car on the way to the next dress shop as it has been a couple hours from breakfast.

Lunch: After a few more dress shops I have more knowledge about what I like and don't like, and we go for lunch. I choose something that I really am hungry for and enjoy it and the company. Again, I eat about 1/2 to 2/3 and take the rest out.

Dress Shopping: By the end of the day we haven't made any decisions, but I have a good idea of what I like and don't like and we have decided on a colour. The bride is almost settled on a wedding dress and I am happy to see her looking beautiful.

Snack: I take a break from trying on dresses, sit down on the chair in the store and enjoy a granola bar.

Phone call from home: How much longer will you be gone? I let them know how much longer - feeling grateful for the opportunity to have a nice day out and continue to enjoy it. I challenge any "guilty" feelings or messages that pop into my head.

Go home for Supper: Pick out from the table what I want to eat - enjoy the food, being home with the family and sharing our days apart with eachother.

Late Evening/Night: I am tired, but feeling good, positive, and happy. I am physically satisfied (full and content with the food I've eatten), I have had a good day. I have an evening snack and perhaps I choose an oreo or a fruit and either is okay.

SO - the above DID NOT HAPPEN EITHER! And it sounds a little overly idealistic. In actual fact, may of the negative messages entered my mind, and some of the time I was able to choose to challenge them and replace them with more positive views. Sometimes I didn't... and more then once I started calculating how much weight I thought I could loose before the wedding, even though I know that it would be detremental to my health in the long run...

However, I found the activity useful in thinking about how a combination of thoughts, feelings, external forces and biological factors (food/activity) can contribute to binging. I can affect my thoughts, feelings and food/activity and I can choose how I react to external forces.

So, that is what I learned this week in the Eating Disorder Clinic...

OH and the one totally true fact from the day: THE BRIDE DID LOOK BEAUTIFUL IN HER DRESS!!! It brought tears to my eyes - and I am so honoured to be a part of the upcoming day. All of us girls are beautiful, amazing women and I am looking forward to spending time with all y'all!

The Binge Cycle - Bad Day

2006-04-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today I learned about the binge cycle in group therapy. We have been touching on it, but to build up a day and then look at where it could go bad and how to choose to get out of the cycle. So here was my choice of a day. I titled it "Shopping for a Bridesmaid Dress" THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED. I definitely had several of these messages go through my head, but challenged them and replaced them with some positive messages. This is just an example of all the negative factors that lead me to binging.

Binge Cycle - Bad Day:
Wake Up: Feelings: dreading looking for a dress, Thoughts: I will never find a dress that doesn't look horable on me. My body won't fit into any of the dresses. This is going to be a horrible day. I also feel a little guilty for going out and leaving the kids with Dad all day.

Breakfast: Going out with the girls - since I am letting myself go out, I pick the most fat ladden food that would normally be "off limits", even though it isn't what I really want. I overeat and feel physically uncomfortable, and mentally beat myself up for "messing up".

Dress Shopping: Only one dress fits - I think "if I was thinner" or "if my body was different" or dispair that I will never look nice in a dress and everyone will be looking at me as the gross fat bridesmaid. I feel like everyone else will be able to find an appropriate dress except me and that I will ruin the wedding. I feel like I should back out of being a bridesmaid. Finally, I start mentally figuring out how much time until the wedding - how much I could possibly loose on a drastic low calorie diet and what size I might wear by then.

Snack: No snack because I haven't thought ahead to bring along a snack.

Lunch: Since we still haven't found a dress, we go for lunch. Mentally, I am now on a highly restrictive diet so I order a salad with no dressing or some other "diet food". I feel physically hungry and not satisfied. I am angry and depressed as I look at the wonderful food everyone else is eatting.

Dress Shopping: Still can't find any that fit me at all - focus on my problem areas - which now appear to be all the areas. Dispair that I don't look like any of the other bridesmaids. By now I have totally beat myself up emotionally. We end up with no dresses ordered. I blame myself, thinking that if I wasn't there, the rest could have found something appropriate.

Snack: No snack because I haven't bought anything and I won't buy anything because I am now on a restricted diet.

Phone call from home: How much longer will you be gone? - I feel guilty for being away from home all day. I start thinking of all the things I "should" have been doing all day. I think that my presence only wasted everyone elses time and I wasn't productive all day.

Go home for Supper: Again - focusing on the diet, telling myself that it will all be worth it if I am thinner for the wedding - that this will make me worthy of being a bridesmaid. Eat low fat chicken, brown rice and salad with no dressing, water, no desert or anything sweet. Feel hungry and unsatisfied.

Late Evening/Night: I am hungry, tired, depressed, feel like a failure, and unsatisfied - I eat 1 package of oreos, a huge bowl of ice cream, 3 chocolate bars. In the end I feel sick, pathetic and like a total loser.

SO - the above is a really bad day and NOT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED - but is representative of what could have happened on any given day in the past.

What I learned in group was that at any of the moments above, I can choose to change the messages I listen to, the way I react to outside influences, and the food choices I make.

In a few days I will revisit this with the same day, but with making better choices. Does any of the above sound familiar?

Ib amb snick!

2006-04-08T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have been busy with work and travelling for the past few weeks... and for atleast the last two weeks I have been feeling on the verge of being sick. I start feeling sick and then usually have a concious thought, "I'm too busy to be sick right now." After that, I keep going until the first moment I feel like I have a moment when things aren't due, like, yesterday - then I get sick.

I don't know about you, but when I get sick, I get grouchy, whiny, whimpy and then feel guilty for being sick. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down. I suppose I should realize that the world will not fall apart without me - that people can go on without my presence for at least 2 or 3 days... (ha ha)

On the up side, I have gotten a few things done that I may not have if I hadn't been just sitting around all day. And I have gotten a chance to start reading a book for enjoyment (I was about to write pleasure - but then thought one might read to much into it... now I have written it, but leave the reader to only muse as to whether there is something to read into it, or if I am merely insane for writing this aside).

I suppose there is a more correct term for the above section then "aside" - I will leave that for RP or TL to correct for I know that brings them much pleasure.

On another note: E wrote a really good article today for tomorrow's bulletin. If you get a chance to drop by NWP Church of Christ, you should - and read the article. It is very touching. I told him so. He needs to reveal himself more in his writing and preaching - put his heart on his sleave - put himself out there.

I am ready to be well now - I have even had enough time to blog, so certainly it is time to be well and get back to my busy life. My consellor has given me strict instructions on how to slow down - like actually doing up my seatbelt before starting the car and driving out of the drive way.

Our car has been recently cleaned and looks pretty good, but started clinking, well actually clunking last week. I think it is is the CV joints, but the mechanic thinks otherwise. Hopefully it is mostly covered by warrantee.

We are digging ourselves out of a hole right now. I it easy to get into the hole, and usually kind of fun, but getting out is a lot of work. I wish I could just win the lottery - not millions, just enough to pay the bills, mortgage, go on a trip, etc.

The tamarac bird in our living room is very beautiful.

Eric is reading Star Wars to the kids - he is a good dad - always reading to the boys. He also volunteers with For the Love of Reading. What a good guy! Sometimes he amazes me.

Our room is a mess. That really drives me nuts. My solution is to ignore it and stay upstairs as much as possible. This seems to be working for me for the most part, except now, when I am sick... then I am stuck upstairs watching golf or baseball all day long. That is boring.

birds scare me

haaken's picture needs to be fixed.

sometimes i think someone is finally going to figure out that I don't know anything.

I think my medicine is starting to work. My coughing seems to be less violent.

I officially despise these things!

2006-03-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by ericbailey.blogger.com.

1. 4 jobs I’ve had
• Cleaning the oil section at MacLeod's Hardware
• Hair Washing Girl at a hair studio (for 1 month, I was fired!)
• Auditor
• Paper Delivery

2. 4 movies I can watch over and over
• Die Hard
• Pretty Woman
• Star Wars IV
• My Life

3. 4 places I’ve lived
• Regina
• Saskatoon
• Yellowknife
• Thunder Bay

4. 4 TV shows I watch(ed)
• Little House on the Prarie
• Grey's Anatomy
• Friends
• Corner Gas

5. 4 places I’ve vacationed
• Africa
• Disneyland
• Disney World
• Ireland

6. 4 of my favorite dishes
• Cheesecake
• Prime Rib
• Enchilada Casserole
• Roast

7. 4 sites I visit daily
• lakeheadschools.ca
• jobsineducation.com
• google.ca
• yahoo.ca

8. 4 places I’d rather be right now
• Outter Space
• Africa
• India
• Europe

9. 4 bloggers I’m tagging
• none - I have more class then that!

My Baby is Growing Up

2006-03-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day my firstborn is arriving at home on his own from school, with no supervision until we get home. We have let him stay on his own for very short periods of time, but this will be for a couple hours... Honestly, I am a little nervous and unsure as to whether he is ready for this. And, I'm not sure if I am ready to accept that my children are growing up. They are still babies to me...

I wonder if that ever changes? I wonder if my parents still look at me and my siblings and wonder - "How in the world did they get to this age?" "How can I be old enough to have children to have their own children?"

On a similar, yet different note: A reminder to all my friends - my birthday is on March 18th, on which date I will be 32. No gifts, please - but an e-card or phone call would be nice! (I'm not very subtle, am I?) And I'm assuming that E will be planning some sort of celebration that includes Safeway cake!!!

Breaking the Cycle

2006-02-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday - another day of counselling at the Eatting Disorder Clinic...

It was interesting to explore cycles and inner dialogue. Identification is one thing, actually changing it is another. It is easy enough to say, instead of beating yourself up or denying your feelings and not dealing with things, actually deal with your needs as they arise, so you don't turn to food later... Actually doing that is another matter entirely.

How do you stop the voices in your head that say you don't deserve a break, or you haven't worked hard enough, or you should be able to do better? How do you force yourself to get up and take a walk when the pile of work looms before you? How do you feel satisfied with a job well done when no one has told you that it was done well? How do you decide that for yourself? How do you allow yourself to play and have fun without feeling guilty all the time?

My cycle is to allow the internal dialogue to go on until I stress out - then I eat and/or go to bed or "escape" into movies or TV. Instead, I need to either challenge the dialogue, or listen to what my body is telling me and respond - not just push it aside and ignore it.

That is what I learned yesterday... Or have I really learned it if I can't practise it yet? I guess that is what I am learning right now.

Later!

Back from Neverland

2006-02-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

Well - Disney World...

We had a great time... wish it was longer... wanna go back!

Highlights of the trip: The aforementioned rollar-coasters and finding Tommy Hilfiger Jeans that not only fit me, but were marked down to $19.99! I bought both pairs...

And, I got back just in time to deal with the labour disruption, that has now been called off.

In the meantime, our office staff have done an incredible job at getting work done in anticipation of the disruption - so we are sort of ahead of the game!

So, things are generally good... Now to tackle the pile in my inbox!

Rollar-Coasters are TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

2006-02-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

I am re-living my childhood. I am riding scary rides and screaming and having a great time... I haven't ridden a coaster or any thrilling ride in over 10 years. I have been afraid that I would break them (weight issues)... But I have been assured that I will fit on the rides as Disney - by a friend with a large husband!

I did Space Mountain yesterday. Wahoo! WAAAAHOOOOOO! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

It was pretty good! Better than I remembered from approximately 16 years ago!

I feel alive!

Live from Disney World...

The Coaster Queen!

(And, for RP - Eric has fixed my use of "then" "than" and other edits he deemed necessary - I hope you appreciate it. I must be on vacation, because I actually let him make his comments and live!)

By the way, we are sitting on the side of the road, connected to a nearby wireless network... I feel like such a hacker.

Scales are bad!

2006-02-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

Well, that might be an overgeneralization...

I had my first "post-assessment" session with the Eatting Disorder Clinic. It ended up being shorter because I was late. I was late because I "needed" to get work done for everyone else, and felt justified in taking time away from my own personal time... But then I felt guilty for making my counsellor wait...

What I found out - I have issues with - not taking time for myself (therefore I self-reward with food) and guilt! Also disappointment in self, really bad body image or body acceptance, and having perfectionist expectations for myself that could I never live up to, thus I give up and beat myself up about it. Interesting!

We didn't get into much detail. However we reviewed some testing that I had done the previous week which pointed out areas in which I am doing well and areas in which I need to work on. That was useful and encouraging. My past assessment of doing better was measured solely on the scale. If I lost, I was doing well. If I gained, I was failing. Since I am likely at the same weight I was 3 years ago, I haven't gotten any better... BUT, after looking at the assessment data, I was able to pick out areas in which I have improved over the past three years, even if I don't see the results on the scale.

Like - I am much better at recognizing hunger and fullness. I can usually figure out what I am feeling (I used to just know that I felt like eatting). I am not as tied to an image of how I should look. And I have totally decided against any type of food restriction. I see all these as areas inwhich I have improved over the past 3 years.

So, I have work to do, but I am feeling very positive about it right now!

Babies are Contageous!

2006-02-05T21:19:00.001-08:00

Watch out, or you might catch one!

Well.... That isn't what I really mean - although we seem to have an outbreak of them in our church.

We have two, but now they are 6 and soon to be 9. Babies no more. We had 'em young, and I was busy and boy the time has gone by fast...

About 4 years ago, we decided that two was a good number, and took permanent measures to keep it that way. About 3 years ago, I figured out that I actually wanted babies and have been wanting to have one ever since. Now there are babies all around me and more coming...

But, at least we have one at our house. I have been able to pour out lots of love, and no sleepless nights on my little nephew. Perhaps this is the perfect situation - the joys of having a baby, without the headaches.

Those are my thoughts for today.

What is Health?

2006-01-31T18:33:00.000-08:00

In my search for health and well-being, I have gotten into the eating disorder clinic at St. Joe's. As part of the introductory testing, I was asked a question. Without using a number, what does it mean to you to be healthy. My answer - I don't know how to define health without numbers.

Isn't that what our society is about. Health is defined in terms of weight or size. If you are a 9, you are healthy. If you are a 14 or 16 or (gasp) a 22... Well you are not.

I wonder, can one be healthy without being a size 9?

Can one be unheathly and be a size 9 (or whatever that number is for you).

Looking back to highschool, I think, perhaps, I was healthy... I could play the sports I wanted to, I could run the hike into Cameron Falls, I didn't have many activities that I couldn't do or limitations... I certainly wasn't an olympic athlete, but I could do what I wanted. And I didn't fit into the numbers that I thought meant I was healthy. At the time, I thought I was grossly overweight... And by classical definitions, I was (according to the body mass index).

So, what does it mean to be healthy?

Can I ever get to a point where I can accept my own health and feel good about who I am?

Can I ever get to the point where all my good points... my strengths are not negated in my own mind by my excess poundage?

I'm not sure. We'll see!

Happiness is Playing BINGO?!?!?

2006-01-15T20:50:00.000-08:00

This TV message struck me as very odd the other day. There was a commercial for scratch and win bingo. The message of the commercial was, essentially, to obtain overall peace and well being, you need to take a minute out of your busy life to play scratch and win bingo. The catch phrase has been around for awhile, but never struck me as odd as it did in this commercial. I'm used to seeing it as the short term, shallow happiness (this doesn't make it much better, only different), but to make the leap to a deep routed sense of happiness coming from a scratch and win ticket - well - that really got to me.

It has me thinking about other messages we hear on the TV:
-A KitKat will give you an instant break
-A recent product provides a quick and easy slushy that will fix everything when you break your kid's model toy...
-If you eat at the Keg, you will be instantly surrounded by great, and great-looking friends.
-If you whiten your teeth, you will suddenly have more confidence and succeed at life.
-If you win millions of dollars, your life will suddenly be wonderful...

I don't think I really gave these messages the credit they deserve, but I've noticed that I am suddenly aware that my teeth aren't as white as they could be. I never noticed that before...

I guess that is why it is important to check the messages that we hear, how they effect us, what they could do to our perception, to our reality...

What do you think?

It Is Finished!!!

2006-01-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

After 5 years, I have completed the wall mural in my boy's room. It didn't actually take that long - it took a few days 5 years ago, then I didn't get the castle done until today! Yaaaa!

And So This is Christmas

2005-12-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

And I haven't done much... Just looking for something.... chocolate to munch.

Today we are celebrating Christmas before leaving for our week long adventure into the wilds of Minnisota. I don't feel ready for Christmas... Like it shouldn't be here quite yet, but I also feel very ready for a vacation. I am tired. I ran into a brick wall on Tuesday and don't think I'll recover until 2006!

I had big plans for this week - I was going to work hard and get so much accomplished. I planned out tasks for each day (7 Habits training) and made priorities for the week. So much for my plans! It has been a week of people needing my help, needing my hand, needing my ear. So, I haven't gotten to my plans, but I suppose I've been useful.

Oh - Congrats to Mimlap! You go girl! You Rock!

For those of you who haven't checked it out yet - here is a link to some really cute pictures of my sister's baby:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kristianleif

Also, pictures of our family:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/75649343@N00/

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Life - or Something Like It

2005-12-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

This was a crazy, busy week - and now I'm sick and sore. This was conference week and our annual general meeting... so it was crazy busy and a bit stressful, although also enjoyable seeing everyone one and getting sessions together, etc., etc.

There have also been a lot of changes in my life this week. My executive committee (who I meet with monthly) has shifted. There are mostly the same people, but in different positions... And now I am concerned that meetings are going to be more then a little tense! Also, an opportunity I have been considering is off the table. So things have really changed.

Also, after conference week, I almost always get sick. This time I have a cold coupled with lower back pain. I guess it is my body's way of saying - you need to slow down for a few days!

So - there it is, my week in a glance.

Mixed Feelings

2005-11-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

I have had some really good moments lately, and some not so great ones. I've been waking up in the middle of the night, my mind full of thoughts and wonderings, and I can't back to sleep for awhile. I'm just... edgy. And I don't know why... Well, I have some thoughts... but I can't seem to work through them.

Anyway, today I almost finished my Christmas shopping. I have a few things to pick up and gift certificates to buy, but I'm just about done. Eric and I went shopping today, which was nice... but not the way I usually feel after our Christmas shopping day. There is just something missing...

Maybe it's just the rainy river... or PMS!

I Am A Rock (with sources)

2005-11-23T07:45:00.000-08:00

I Am A Rock (2:50)
P. Simon, 1965
Recorded by: Simon & Garfunkel
Sounds of Silence album, released 1966
Also on their "Greatest Hits" released by Columbia 31350: June 1972; "Definitive Simon & Garfunkle", released by Sony, January 1, 1992 and "The Best of Simon & Garfunkel" re-released by Sony, November 16, 1999 (among others)
As found on http://sglyrics.myrmid.com/sounds.htm
www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon-and-garfunkel/124809.html
polyticks.com/home/Visions/IAmARock.htm
www.sing365.com/.../ I-Am-A-Rock-lyrics-Me-First-and-the-Gimme-Gimmes/FF68F484259404D448256C5400137792
setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/~aparsons/ guitar/guitar.py.cgi?song=Simon_and_Garfunkel_-_I_Am_A_Rock

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

>> I really liked this song as a teen - and when things are rough, I return to it like a security blanket - or perhaps a "womb"...

Torn

2005-11-21T06:33:00.000-08:00

Nothing's right, I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and
I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn.

Obsession

2005-11-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

Notice how much baggage comes with that word. What if I had titled this blog obsessing, or stressing out. Would it have been as provocative? Interesting how certain words pack a bigger punch then others. (like Wanderlust?)

So - does anyone out there have a quick fix solution to stop obsessing about things. It seems like the more you try not to think about something - the more you do. For instance, if I want a brownie and try to not think about it, it seems like I only think about it more... Or if an arguement doesn't go your way, you keep thinking about all the arguements you should have made or things you wanted to say but didn't... Or that job you wanted, but didn't get and keep going over your answers and thinking about what your answers should have been... Or what you should have said to that special someone... Obsessing... Obsession!

I suppose a certain amount of obsessing is helpful - only now we call it "reflective practice". Rethinking a situation, reviewing what was done and what should have been done is part of learning, part of getting better, part of doing better next time. But at some point you just have to move on.

HIT ME OVER THE HEAD & MAKE ME MOVE ON!!!

Then sometimes, you think you have moved on - you have stopped obsessing and then you hear something or read something and it starts back up again... is that because the issue is still unresolved. Or because there are demons who like to drive us insane?

So - here I sit - obsessing about obsession... Also rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb, humming the smurf theme song... la la lala lala laa lala lalaa...

A New Song for Today!

2005-10-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited...
And I just can't hid it.
I know, I know, I know, I know
I want you, I want you...

Well - I'm excited anyway!

Today was a good day.

I started by making a fool out of myself. I was in a meeting with the Assistant Deputy Minister and I was incredibly nervous. I planned to say "By working together School Authorities can obtain the services of Educational Specialists in Literacy, Numeracy and Spec. Ed." Instead I said, "By working together, School Authorities can get really, really, really, qualified people.... like, experts, you know... like in Literacy, Numeracy and Spec. Ed." Not my most eliquent moment!

But later I got a call with really good news - I really neat possible opportunity - so now I'm very excited! Yaaaaa!

So - a different song is appropriate for today.

You know, I almost always have a song in my head - is that crazy?

A Song that Fits the Mood Somedays!

2005-10-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Enough about Vikings!

2005-10-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

So - it's the 19th...

What's happening?

I have discovered that playing music on my laptop is condusive to an enjoyable work environment. Unfortunately I forgot about that today until almost the end of the day. That is how many of my genious discoveries end up - discarded and unused - useless...

Isn't is strange how knowing doesn't equal doing? Why is that?

Another topic - I just read a book called Timeline - very interesting. The premise is based on quantum physics and the multiple universe theory. Very interesting... It made me think - what if this is true? What if there were infinite multiple universes. What if there was another universe where I came to a key decision and made it differently, and therefore sometimes feel like if I went down another road i know how my life would have been different - maybe there are people I know in other universes - so when I meet them here, I feel like I already know them. Maybe that is where deja vu comes from... Maybe in another universe I had a different job, or fell in love with a different person, or never had children.

Those are my jumbled, mixed up thoughts for today!

Saturday

2005-10-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

In the Park... I think it was the 4th of July...

So, today is a better day. We rented all 3 Jurassic park movies - which L and I have been enjoying together - although in J1 we had to skip the scary part with the kids and the rapter... L decided that part was getting too scary for him.

My hubby just asked me for a dinner date tonight - cool! Now, I'm trying to track down our special Valhalla card. I really, really like being taken on dates!

Well, that is all for today. God has a plan - I'm just trying to be patient & wait for him to reveal it... I'd much rather have a road map now!

Latter!

Disappointing News

2005-09-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

I received some disappointing news today - sorry, I can't share the details with the general public... but, I am forever facinated with my response to disappointing news.

My usual first reaction is quite calm - I accept the information, process it, look for rationality to it, do what has to be done in the present and move on...

Then it hits - disappoinment, anger, the intense desire to go back in time and change things. This usually leads to a bit of an obsession - I go back and revisit everything, research what I could have done differently, take action - even if there is no action to take.

When I am in a situation where there is nothing more I can do, I feel at a loss - I want to "do" something to make it better, but there is nothing I can do but accept it, learn from it, and hopefully do better next time...

Then there is God - I know he is involved in our lives, and I take some comfort from reassuring myself that He might have a better plan for me - perhaps there is another opportunity or something is going to happen... or maybe this wasn't the right thing for me - and I would have been more miserable as a result...

But, then there is another side - what if the "reason" provided wasn't the full truth. What if there is more to it that I'm not seeing. What if how others perceive me isn't how I think others perceive me. What if, what if, what if...

Do you know how to quiet the "what if's" of life?

Anyway, I know this is somewhat criptic, but it has been helpful for me to share all this with you (whoever you are). I am disappointed. I am a bit angry and frusterated. Yet, I am hopeful for future possibilities.

It's a boy!

2005-09-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Born Friday, September 16th, 8lbs, 3oz, 11:35 am. Mom went into the hospital at 6:30 - and made quick work of it all. I had the amazing opportunity to witness the event. Incredible! Makes me wonder why I went into accounting... although when you get that budget spreadsheet linked up just right, it's almost the same feeling!

Mom is recovering. Baby is doing fine. There was a little fluid in the lung, so he is being monitored for 48 hours in ICU. He should be fine, though.

Anyway, most of you know, but I just thought I'd blog it for those of you who might not!

Devotional Time & Reading

2005-09-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to do regular devotional time in the morning. When I've done this before, I've found it to be a positive way to start the day and it helps with my general mood. I've also been reading a book on finding your "fitness instinct". Basically finding out what it is that you really want to do (physically) and then doing it. The premise is sort of - your body really knows what is good for it so listen to it and trust it... "Making" yourself do something all the time generates negativity towards it and is ultimately unproductive... I sort of agree with much of it, but I also think that you need to push yourself at times. Most of the time, I would rather sit on my butt, even if I know that if I get up and do something I'll feel better. So - I'm not sure where that line is - between a healthy amount of self pushing and an unhealthy amount. I guess I'll keep reading and see what else it says.

So, that is all I have to say about that for now.

Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

2005-09-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Under the wave of pressure from all of you (okay - B) I have decided to post again!

I guess summers just aren't good blogging months for me...

My sister is still pregnant. Her due date is tomorrow, so she could go any day now... I am very excited for her. I am also excited to meet my little niece or niefew.

My parents and sister are staying with us right now and it has been working out well for the time being. Mom is into renovations and seems to be enjoying playing with paint and colour pallets. I think the bathroom is next on her hit list, and so I anticipate a nice new bathroom sometime in the future. She is currently completing the office, which is being refinished with a moss green and lament flooring. I think it will look nice when it is done.

Our church used time during Family Camp to being a strategic planning process to implement our vision. This is exciting and I have a sense that things will be accomplished. At the same time, I am struggling with continuing to work, with Eric being on reduced hours (now that the boys are in school), and just general contentment. There is part of me that just feels tired.

Well - that is all for now.

God can do Great Things

2005-08-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much more hopeful today that God can do great things. He created the world with nothing. He started his church with 12 simple men. He has changed the world with a key person as a key point in time. He fed thousands with a bit of food. He can do great things.

We are small in number. At times we are small in energy and faith. But with a bit of faith in Him, he can do great things.

I have many weeknesses, many faults, many short comings. But God can use them to do great things...

Now - if I can only figure out how to let him...

Motivation

2005-08-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sorta having trouble being motivated to get healthy lately. There just seems to be so many things in my life that need help and I feel overwhelmed by it all - so the first thing to go out the window is the effort to try to be healthy.

I feel like nothing is going well for me right now. I don't like my job and I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. My house feels out of control. I don't have the energy to be a great mom. I don't feel like we have a good handle on our budget and finances. I just feel like even when I try there is just too much to do or fix - and I am having trouble feeling motivated to try.

So - I'm hoping that we can get some things done this weekend. Maybe getting some tasks done will help - but right now I am vegging on the couch watch What Not to Wear...

Breakdown - Recovery

2005-07-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

I had a minor breakdown this weekend...

Actually, I've been on the verge of one for awhile. I am having one of those "what are we doing here" moments. I wonder why we keep plugging away at the work we are doing, unsure of whether there is any hope for improvement. Wondering whether or not anyone else cares...

So, after church on Sunday - I went home and cried.

Then I got a call to go to the beach. It is amazing how an afternoon with friends can make life seem so much more manageable. I was feeling so alone Sunday morning - then so at home Sunday afternoon.

Besides the fun of swimming in an awesome lake (Lake Superior is definitely superior!) and enjoying the sun on a warm beach, enjoying great company - we chatted about church, the vision, where we think things are going. There is hope - and it is coming from others - that is defintely encouraging.

In my better moments I see the changes that have already happened - the encouragement of others participating in serving, leadership, etc... Just the fact that others care is hopeful.

And, I was also encouraged to do something about our life situation. I have wanted to be at home at some point in our lives. It feels like this is never going to happen. But I was encouraged to atleast push on one point. It is time for E to move back to 30 hours and to proceed with some program that will take him closer to his goal of being a Counseling Minister. So, I have decided to push. I have not had the personal energy to do this for the past 2 years, and have sat by feeling helpless and trapped. In the fight or flight instinct - I have definitely been in flight mode - wanting to run away or run toward something that seems better. But now I am feeling a little more energy and strength - perhaps enough to create a little pressure and support for change and hopefully it will be effective.

And this includes a lot of prayer - so if you read this and if you pray - please pray that things will change. That the church in Thunder Bay will get on fire with the vision and will grow both in number and in passion for Christ - that we will make changes in our lives to be able to create better balance - and that I will have the energy and strength to fight for what I think is right - and the wisdom to fight effectively.

Life's Been Busy

2005-07-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I last blogged - but I can see that it has been awhile for others as well - must be the busyness of summer.

Made a quick trip to Calgary and, on my way back, picked up my sister and father who are now staying with us. It is nice to have them around.

This week is VBS, opps - Bible Day Camp... I am leading praise and worship at the beginning and end of the day using some great songs provided by Group Publishing. Can I just say - I really love doing that. I don't much enjoy teaching Sunday School, or even helping kids one or one, but I really enjoy leading praise and worship - especially in this format where I feel free to move.

I am also avoiding my bill-paying job. I am officially on vacation this week, but there are a number of things I need to get done anyway. I am feeling stress at not getting them done, but also feeling resentful of having to do them. I am stressed about our company's financial situation. I am stressed about my personal financial situation. There isn't anything major, it's just that I don't feel like things are as good as they should be. My horoscope (or horrer-scope) says I need to ask for help and I'll get it - but (besides the fact that I don't believe in horoscopes) I don't really know who to ask - or even what to ask.

What I would really, really like is to have some big $$ fall in my lap so I can give some to my parents who helped us out so much with the house and then pay off some of the debt we have and be free to put savings aside for our trip to Disney World... I keep telling myself to not make plans until we have this debt paid off, and I do a good job for a month or two... but then things come up - a bike repair, a pool repair, a house repair, a quick trip - or in July's case, all four! I feel so irresponsible.

I also feel like I really don't want the job I have. There are so many things I really like about it, but a couple major things that I really don't like about it just really drag me down... I feel like I am always on call, even when I am on vacation. I miss having one person who is my boss, instead of 5 people who don't agree with eachother as a rule. I don't know what I really want - but maybe it is just time for a vacation. Often when i get like this, i need a break, then I come back refreshed.

Well, this has been long - and i appolgise for the delay since my last post. I've been busy!

Old Friends/Thoughts after Mamma Mia

2005-06-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

I ran into an old friend this week - well actually went to see her at the Thundering Woman's Festival.

She was a close friend from my junior high and earlier days - her father was my music teacher in elementary school. Our families knew eachother.

She now travels around the world performing, writing music, recording CDs (I had to buy one and get it autographed!). In a way, it was a somewhat surreal experience. It was cool to reunite with an old friend, and also amazing to see this person who has become so much - who has chased after her dream and appears to be accomplishing it! I felt an odd sense of pride for her and what she has done. Is that weird?

It made me wonder about the path I've choosen. Sometimes I choose to believe it choose me. I certainly didn't plan my life to be what it is now, and yet I made choices along the way that brought me to where I am.

But I did have dreams of being a performer & travelling (among other things). I don't imagine I have the talent or the support to make it in that business, but - we all have our dreams. And I had several - being a singer, a judge, a surgen, a missionary... Sometimes I think I took the easy road - one that required a some hard work, but not much risk.

Sometimes I wonder - am I living up to my potential?

Anyway, tonight as I was cleaning out my wallet, I came accross something I wrote after watching Mamma Mia in Toronto at the end of March - and it is along the same theme - looking back on our dreams and our life... (maybe this is all part of turning 30)

I've always wanted to be remarkable...
You know...
that woman who commands attention when she walks into a room
that woman who has just the right combination of beauty
and wisdom
and wit
that woman who walks with the confidence that comes from chasing her dream and achieving it

So as I walk down the street
hand in hand with the sweetheart of my youth
now approaching his 35th birthday
the lingering memory of Dancing Queen in my head
I wonder...
have I followed my dreams?
have I lived with passion?
could I have belted out 'Waterloo' to a middle aged audience?
or performed open heart surgery?
or sat on the bench of the Supreme Court?

Did I settle?
Or choose something better?

Or perhaps - there is more to come.

Something a little lighter

2005-06-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged... Normally these types of things annoy me, but after the heaviness of the last blog, I am guessing that all y'all need a break - something a little easier to read!

How many books do I own?
Not including all the Accounting and professional texts I lug around and only my own personal books - probably about 100... If I were to include my husbands books, I'm sure the answer would be about 2,000 or more.

Last book I bought?
Personally - Either Hindenburg, Where the Heart Is or Timeline... I got them all last summer and I'm not sure in what order. I don't think I've purchased any for myself since then. I usually only get to read over the summer (except for work, which I don't count)

Last book I read?
Hindenburg - very facinating read. Spoke a lot about the set up to WWII, and especially interesting in context of world politics today...

5 Books that meant a lot to me? (off the top of my head)
1. Clan of the Cave Bear (and the following books in the series) - I drew a lot from Ayla's strength and her being "different", her fight against the status quo and to find her own way in the world. I also really enjoy the natural healing, surviving on the land type of knowledge
2. Wanderlust - I read it in junior high and it really clicked within me a passion for travel - to see new places, experience new cultures and discover something new. Again - there is strong female character who lives life on her terms - even though some of those terms are self-sacrificing. Yes - this is a Daniel Steele book...
3. Little House on the Prarie Series - read them when I was a girl - related to Laura... again a strong female character with a sense of adventure!
4. Daring to Dance with God - portrayed a different sense of worship then the somber "holy" sense that many assume is the only way to worship. The idea of life as a dance with God...
5. Bible - saved the best for last... Actually, I've tried to think of books that actually affected me (sad to think then that Wanderlust is on this list) - and the Bible has definitely affected me at various times in my life...

I've enjoyed many more books then these - and perhaps some that are more signficiant in their impact on society, but these had a particular impact on me. However, like T's top 10 movie list, I am sure there are others that I will recall 10 seconds after I publish this post.

So - that is it. I am choosing not to tag anyone else, but if you choose to answer these same questions on your blog, I will enjoy reading them.

Why (I think) Complements bother me

2005-06-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting on this one for a week...

I think complements bother me because I am, on a certain level, afraid of being attractive. This is, of course, insane - because there is another part of me that equates physical attractiveness to self-worth. So, basically, I'm messed up...

But... I have found that when I have attempted to become healthy and I get complements, I reach a point where I want to eat. I seem incapable of stopping.

I shared this with a friend - and they asked if they shouldn't complement me on my progress - if that would help. Well, it won't - because if I'm trying and it isn't noticed, well, I want to eat.

So - I'm fat if you do and fat if you don't!

No - what others do can't really change this - it is something I have to work through myself. I have - well - issues (don't we all). Mine relate to sexual abuse that happenned when I was very young.

I have seen a counsellor - and worked through part of the issue - I nolonger blame my mom (which for some crazy reason I did - even though there was nothing she could have done) - and after a time of being angry with God, followed by a time of not believing in God, I seemed to have pulled through and made some peace.

I suppose this is something to deal with in steps... Perhaps by the time I'm 80, I'll have worked through it.

In the meantime... sometimes I'll eat - and sometimes I'll do better...

Some of the Reasons I Eat

2005-06-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

There is a Randy Travis song "Some of the Reasons I Cheat"... I thought of this tune as I wrote the title for this blog. Perhaps I'll have to do an Erica version of his song to my title... could be interesting.

In my search for health, I have found out that I eat to protect myself. When I start loosing and looking better - and people start commenting - I really want to eat. (I have some theories on this that I'll share in my next blog)

When I am not losing and people are not commenting - I get depressed and really want to eat.

When life gets busy and hectic - and life seems unmanageable - I really want to eat.

When I have an arguement with E and feel unloved - I really want to eat.

When I think that my family doesn't want to be around me, when I feel my parents are disappointed in me, or that I am unacceptable to them - I really want to eat.

When it is time to give myself a break, celebrate an achievement or have a fun time with friends or family - I really want to eat.

When we buy cookies or chocolates, or basically any treat that I like and the boys are eating it all up - I really want to eat (for fear of missing out).

On Sunday night... well now Monday night... and I think about having to go to work the next day... I really want to eat.

So I figure - it's not what I eat - it is why.

But perhaps there could be worse things. Not that it makes it right, but that if I can stop beating myself up about, maybe it would be one less thing I eat about.

Just a thought!

Is This What You Intended?

2005-06-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hi. I appear to be able to post on Wanderlust now!! I don't seem to be able to edit ekbailey's posts, though. Rats!

reppepper

What Makes Me Cry.

2005-06-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

I have a deep, dark confession to make...

Something that my husband has only recently discovered...

I get all soft and goowey - sentimental and sappy - and cry

over

Sports movies!!!

I confess, I am a sports movie sap. I always cry at the end, when the under-dog is in the final, they are coming from behind, the movies slows to a pace that approximates real life x 10, and the hero pulls out an impressive, game changing play. It gets me every time.

Tonight, my darling took me to Cinderella Man. I knew I was done for from the previews. I used to watch boxing on Saturday mornings when I was a kid, along with real wrestling. I loved Rocky... I used to practice box with my brother and sister... I think if the situation was different, if it were a different time or if we lived in a different city, I might have taken up boxing. Perhaps not - I'm not sure I would have the killer instinct to actually hit someone hard enough to hurt them.

Anyway, E is now sorry for taking me. Not only did his hand receive the brunt of my tense emotional climax during the boxing scenes, but he will continue to receive a jabs to the shoulder over the next few days, as I play out my own boxing fantasy.

It is his own fault.

He should know better!

Blah

2005-06-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

I feel blah this morning... we had a great evening last night, picnicing at Marina Park, playing tag with the boys, walking along the shore... and now I feel blah...

I think it has more to do with a discussion I had with E re: our church and our vision process, etc... At times I feel like we are just about to do something - to really move in a direction and feel like we are accomplishing something. Other times, I feel like we are on the edge of falling apart. I find that the projected success or failure of our ministry here has a profound impact on my mood... And right now I feel like something bad is going to happen.

The entire reason we moved here, the reason I keep working when I want to stay home with the kids, the reason we stay is because we felt called to be here. I felt a personal call that both Eric and I were needed here and that we could really make a difference. Sometimes it feels like we are - but other times it feels like it doesn't matter what we do... that everything is out of our control.

In one sense it is - this is God's church and He is in control... I know this intellectually, but I also know that he has given us a task to perform and a plan to fulfill... And I don't feel like we are doing a good job at it - that there are roadblocks being put up by others in the church. I feel like there are people who don't really want us to succeed.

Is that crazy? I am sure it isn't true, but I actually feel like there are people in our church who would like to see us fail and fall apart. I am sure this is more likely a projection of my own sense of failure on others' hestitancy to try new things. We can read so much into comments, suggestions, body language, that was never really intended.

Anyway, I have prayed that things will progress - that we will catch onto the vision that is before us - that we will feel a sense of contentment and that we will feel and experience success. I don't think that is wrong - I think we should look to succeed for God.

Beautiful Day

2005-06-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful day... the weather is great... two meetings I thought I had for tonight have been postponed... so why am I inside blogging?

Actually, in a few moments we shall decent upon Marina Park for a picnic dinner and playing, enjoying the view, weather, etc... If only I could find someone else to join us.

I am also excited about vacation plans. It seems that we have finally finalized our summer plans, as well as booked a trip for next February! We are taking the boys to Disney World! Yaaa! I only hope that I can enjoy the rides. I am fearful that I won't fit within the weight restriction... That might seem silly, but honestly, I encountered that at West Ed Mall once.

Anyway, gotta go enjoy the sun!

TGIF

2005-05-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

You know what it stands for - and I make no appologies!

It has been a long week. This was a conference week - which means that all the issues that come up during the day have to be dealt with at night - hence some long days and a tired Erica!

But it was good. Today we did a simulation game on Change Theory. I did it before, so I got to help facilitate it, which allowed me to check into how it all worked - which was cool...

I really want a group of us from Church to play it sometime. This one is school system related, but really the concepts are universal accross any organization!

I also found a new career for myself - facilitating change games... Unfortunately it would require being much more mobile then I am now. I love to travel, but I don't think my family would like it too much!

Well, toodiloo!

My Sisters' Fatness is Grossly Over-Stated!

2005-05-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, we visited my family this weekend - all of us but T! It was a very quick trip, but worth while. My sister is expecting and I've been excited to see her in all her radiant fatness! (Note: this is a potato-chip eatting, 0 activity, size 2 person).

Weeeelllll - she has accomplished to be both pregnant and thin looking at the same time. She has one of those perfect basketball bellies - very cute looking... Life just isn't fair!

Anyway - I was very glad to visit with her, feel the baby move, and talk about plans for the future. I am sooooo glad she will be moving here. Along with my boys, I am very excited about the baby. I have recently discovered my feminine side and I am really, really looking forward to having babies around. (Note #2: For those who don't know, babies repelled me up until about 2 years ago)

The trip was, well, fast. It seems to have disappeared in an instant. Can I just brag - my boys are great travellers. They sat for the 12 hours there and the 12 hours back without much complaint or issues!

Thanks for listening - or reading!

What is in a Name?

2005-05-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed, I have added a subtitle... I found out yesterday that the term Wanderlust has some unfortunate and unintended connotations to it...

I thought about a new name, but "I like to Travel" just seemed, well, lacking.

So, I stand by my original name, but with an explanation in hopes of relinquishing my sweet and innocent reputation! ;-)

Speaking of wandering - I'm wandering north-west this weekend to visit my family. My little sis is expecting and I am very excited to see her with a belly. All my life I have worked to lose weight while she has worked to gain it! So, you can understand my glee!

Also, on the topic of names - we are working on a vision statement... and I find it very interesting that we seem to have a shared vision, but are unable to come up with words to appropriately describe it! Words have so many meanings, some unintended, some misunderstood...

If only we could just do a volcan mind-meld to share the concept - words seem inadequate! Such a poor form of communication (says the lady who blogs)...

Today was a good day - now I feel guilty

2005-05-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I decided to give myself the day off... and visited a good friend, hung out at home, had a beautiful walk, went shopping and to a movie with friends, purchased a top at a real store (Old Navy) - my first clothing purchase that was not specifically from a "fat lady" store in about 10 years!

Great day!

Isn't it too bad that now I feel guilty... I don't know why I always feel guilty when I have a good time.

Anyway tonight was a lot of fun - hung out with SG, ML, and her friend K... I've now decided that we should form a secret hot girls club (That 70's show reference) - since we are all hot/fabulous women!

Perhaps our next meeting will be yard-saling a week from Saturday?

Coffee House - Untitled

2005-05-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight was coffee house. I really like our coffee houses, hearing others perform and share either their original work, or pieces that mean a lot to them.

I also really like performing...

I also really hate performing!

I get so nervous. I really like sharing and I have always loved singing. It is so great to be able to do that for people and have them appreciate it.

The problem is whether or not they appreciate it.

After coffeehouse, I seem to have a down - like I've gotten myself all hyped up to share - and enjoyed it (even when I mess up every song I sing/play like tonight), then hit an emotional low.

I wonder - did people really like it, or were they just being polite. Are people getting tired of me - of my sappy songs. And it is scary sharing something I've written... What will people think or wonder about me?

I also sort of feel like I've hit a wall - a plateau. Tonight was NOT one of my better performances... and I need to get over using the music. I have almost all my pieces committed to memory - but the words on the music stand are like a security blanket.

So, I guess I need to make a leap...

Or maybe next time I'll share a Drummond poem.

The Rollarcoaster

2005-05-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, yesterday, I was at a low point - but today, I am coming up the hill, a little tired, a little weary, a little slow, but I am ready for the ride! Interesting how that works.

Today was busy - but even though my feet hurt and my body is sore, I feel pretty positive. The pressure is off and it seems that things went well today.

So - any guesses as to what the title of my blog refers to?

Nora Jones Day

2005-05-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

Today is a Nora Jones day - the kind of day where you sit in a big comfy chair with an afghan and listen to sappy music.

Maybe it is just the weather...

Maybe I am feeling stressed from working a full time job, being a mom, volunteering, helping out a friend in need, etc... (hear violins in the background)

I'm not sure of the cause, but I really feel down today - sort of angry, sort of sad, sort of unappreciated, sort of like going home and curling up in my bed for awhile.

Maybe it is PMS.

There is an ongoing gripe that always comes to mind on a day like today - I wish I had the choice to stay home. Several women have told me that I wouldn't like it and that I am the "type of person" who needs to be at work.

I really wish I had the opportunity to make that determination for myself. All I know is it breaks my heart to hug and kiss my little boys goodbye in the morning.

I really, really want to be at home for awhile.

Two years ago I decided that I would like to try this - changing roles. We aren't any closer to doing it and with L in Kindergarten next year, the reasons for changing are less and less.

It doesn't look like we will have any more children, so it is sad to say good-bye to that part of my life that I never explored.

I guess I "choose my path", and now it is too late to go back and take a different one.

That makes me sad too!

Comments

2005-05-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Ohh the excitement of comments...

Scrolling down my lengthy diatribe, until I see "2 comments".

SOMEBODY LIKES ME!!!

I imagine this is how people with AOL feel when they get the "you've got mail" pop up.

Funny, I don't feel that way about email - perhaps because most is work related and results in additional tasks to be done. Also, not the same for snail mail - usually means more money to pay out.

Only blog comments have this power - sweet, wonderful blog comments - oh how they excite me! Oh how they please me! I think I'm addicted!

So, I think I've figured out that short choppy statements result in more comments - this is a test to see if it works.

My self-esteem is rising as I type! (Isn't that sad?)

I am practically giddy with anticipation.

Does anyone understand why anyone would blog and then choose "No" to "Allow New Comments on This Post?"

Up & Down...

2005-05-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

Last night at TOPS I was up (in weight) - which made me down (in mood)... Today I am up (in mood, and probably weight as well) and feeling a renewed sense that I can get healthy. I energetically awoke for my morning walk - to find it pouring rain. I considered a trip to the gym, but realized that would make it difficult for E to complete his morning activities. In the end I resolved to bring my runners to work to walk at lunch. That didn't happen, but I see it is less rainy out, so perhaps I'll make it for a walk this evening!

Re: the weight thing - I'm actually back up to where I was 1 year ago. This seems unusual since I am fitting clothes differently and am much more energetic. So, after some wallowing last night, I have decided that the scale is lying to me and to press on for another week. However, I may have to reevaluate if things don't change in the next month. I've been about the same (up and down 3 lbs from week to week) for about 6 months now... which makes me think that something needs to be done. The more recent gains (2 weeks in a row totaling 7.5 lbs) is more perplexing... So, we'll see what happens this week - still trying to temper this with a sense that the scale doesn't tell the whole picture. It is a part of the picture, though, and a very easy one to read - so I don't want to fool myself by ignoring it completely.

Mothers' Day

2005-05-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today was Mothers' - for those of you who may have forgot - you can still run out and order flowers for Monday! Anyway, Mothers' Day is not one of my favorite days. It seems to be a day that we celebrate all that is "motherly" - the woman who tireless sacrifices her self to take care of her children by making their lunch, fixing their boo-boos, doing their laundry and making sure they have a wonderful safe environment to come home to. Even the working mothers of the 80s (like my Mom) were these types of women who seem to make the home wonderful - and their work was secondary. This all reminds me of my complete inadequacy in this department. Don't get me wrong - I do my fair share. I am a good provider, I ensure we have a house over our heads, that the bills get paid, that we can take vacations once in a while. I just don't feel like a woman.

There is a voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm not a real woman. A real woman would be so wonderful that she would have someone to take care of her. She would be able to do all these things - like organize her home, bake cookies all the time, clean clothes, fix boo-boos, etc. I feel like crap when my son asks if we can bake cookies and I am just too tired after a stressful day at the office. In my head - I know this isn't realistic. In my head I know that I am a hard worker and contributor to our family. But in my heart, I feel like a failure as a woman. And Mothers' Day is just a big reminder of that. Even the comics in the paper are all about women who are wonderful care-givers... It reminds me that I am not normal.

I totally respect women who do work at home, especially those who make that choice to stay at home over furthering their career. I think our society needs more of that - families who make the choice to have a caregiver at home. Our kids need that. In our family, that is my husband. He is a great dad. But I really wish I could have the opportunity to stay at home myself. As each days passes and our boys grow up a little more, I see that opportunity slipping away. And I have so many ideas of how to make our home life better - to get our house in order and our lives more efficient. But I just don't have the energy or time to do any of it. Every day that I come home and it is a mess, or if we lose an important piece of paper, or if we miss a key date in my sons' school agenda - I take it as another personal failure. Another way I have let everyone down. When people come over to our house, I feel like I'm being judged for the state it is in. When people give me advice on how to get things in order, i feel like they must think I am too lazy or stupid to have order in my house - that I am a bad mother and wife. That I am a bad person.

The little voice says "if you worked harder, you could get things in order, you could make life better for your family - then they would have something worthy of appreciating." I feel I am not enough - and perhaps they feel the same. Perhaps that is why I never feel appreciated - because I am not worthy of it. Perhaps that is why I feel like the older people in my life are always looking down on me. Perhaps that is why life seems so overwhelming and impossible and lonely.

Or maybe I just need to kill the little voice.

Moving On

2005-05-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today my brother told me that he is moving on... Moving out of our basement and into a friend's appartment. I have mixed feelings. I am excited for him and this step he is taking. He will be more responsible and independent in doing this and I think it will be good for him. (I have always thought it is good to have the chance to live on your own (or with a roommate) before you get married.) On the other hand, I have really enjoyed having him around. When I left for private school he was still quite young - so I never really got a chance to know him as he was growing up, as a teen, etc. I have really appreciated the chance to talk to him and get to know him as an adult. I will miss the opportunity to just walk down the stairs and say "hey, what's up".

On a positive note, this creates a real opportunity. My parents are moving here, as my Dad has accepted a job in the city, and there will be transition time as they figure out where they want to be. This provides some living space while they figure that out. So, it would seem that the planets have aligned themselves and that feels good to. It sort of confirms for me their coming. I have been concerned that my pusing is the only reason they are coming and that I have, perhaps, acted against other, better, plans that God might have for them. Ofcourse - I'm sure that if God had other plans, a little thing like my pushing wouldn't get in the way. But I have felt bad all the same. Sometimes it feels better when you don't get your way. When I get my way, there always seems to be a wave of guilt that follows. Anyway, as more pieces fall into place, it feels like this is where they should be - and I am glad for that!

I'll try to be shorter

2005-05-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

I just reviewed my blog and see that my posts come out quite long. I'll try to be shorter...

Today has been a reasonably good day!

Bye!

Responsibility

2005-05-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

We often try to avoid responsibility... Or take on others responsibility. It is difficult to find the balance. I often do both. I take on responsibility for how others are feeling or for others reactions that I really can not predict or control. Unless I am truely being insensitive or purposefully harsh, I can't help how others react to me, but I often go over seemingly normal conversation and interactions with others again and again in my head to see if I recall a reaction or something that I should be aware of or deal with - to see if I've affected anyone negatively and what should I have done differently. While a certain amount of reflection and sensitivity is a good idea - I am starting to think that I need to let others take some responsibility here and - if I've offended them in some way - allow them to come to me - and not spend hours fussing over every conversation I've had, every word I've said in search for offenses I may have caused.

On the other hand, I also try to deflect responsibility for my own feelings and hurts. When offended I don't do the right thing and talk to the person - I harbour the hurt for a long time until it is a festering boil. Or, if i am feeling angry I find a way to blame my mood on someone else - often my husband. For instance, I have been feeling a lot of stress at work, I have been feeling unappreciated in various areas of my life and sad for my inability to get healthier at the speed at which I wish I could. Instead of doing what I can - dealing with the stress at work positively by getting somethings done and asking for help - talking to those whom I feel are taking advantage of me - and being more realistic about the speed of change - I became furious with E when he brought me the wrong kind of lunch. At the time, I knew I was being irrationale - the anger did not fit the "crime" - and yet I really wanted to rip his head off. Now, there were things to clear up about the conversation and I did that later when cooler heads prevailed. However, in the moment - I placed full blame for my mood on E.

I guess the old serenity prayer actually makes a lot of sense in gaining perspective on responsibility:

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Should

2005-04-30T13:33:00.001-07:00

I was told I should start a blog. Anyone who knows me well knows that using the word "should" will not get the desired result - unless the desired result is for me to glower and absolutely refuse to do what I "should". I hate being told I should do something - which is why it is so remarkable that 1) I am actually starting a blog and 2) it was my husband who used the forbidden word. (After 12 years - he should really know better)

I just started writing about all the should's of my life - but after reading it - it sounded very depressing, so I deleted it. Needless to say - we all have a lot of shoulds in our lives - the things we have to do. Sometimes I feel like I have a whole lot of shoulds and not many wants. I feel like I have to be responsible for a lot of people, and what I would really like to do is run away and wander the earth. If I were being realistic, I am sure that type of life would get boring and would be, in the end, unfulfilling. It is in the "shoulds" that we derive meaning and purpose. It is by doing what we are here to do, that we answer the "why" of our lives. But there is the voice inside that wants to be crazy and spontaneous - to live outside the box that is me - to be radical and edgy.

Right now I am crawling out of my skin - I need to get out. I usually deal with this quite effectively with chocolate - but that doesn't seem to be working so well anymore and it is somewhat counter productive to my attempts to become healthier. I could probably go out, but the two people I approached to go out with are both busy. I could go by myself, but that doesn't really appeal to me, so I started this blog instead. If nothing else - at least I'm not eatting.

So - 1 big goal in my life right now - to get healthy. Not thin, healthy. I suppose I would really like to be thin. I never have been. I was fat when I was a kid. Actually, rumour has it that I was an appropriate weight in my early years (say 1 to 2 years old), but as long as I can remember I have been fat. I remember being on a diet before being in school... then at about 25 I gave up on diets. I decided that they hadn't worked from about age 4 to age 25, and that 21 years is enough time to figure out that they just ain't working. So I am trying to eat healthily (with no restrictions), be more balanced and include more activity in my life - things I want to do, not things I "should" do. At the same time I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never have the body that I think I want - and that I can be happy, beautiful and sexy just as I am. This is, I think, one of the biggest challenges for people today. okay - maybe it is just one of the biggest challenges for me.

So that is my first blog post. I received a request for assistance a few minutes ago, so I guess I "should" go and help.